Source
Considering my way of life, from a distance one may gaze with so much pity “oh poor you”, unknown to them I caused it all.
If contentment where to be found in my personal dictionary then this pain that I feel would have been far away from me. But because covetousness has eaten a deep part of me, pain has become my gain. And from the abundance of my heart my hands type.
Born into a Christian home almost three decades ago with a willing spirit to grow, I started off slowly as a good boy. Years passed by and teen age was with me; had so much energy, ideas and plans for my future that all I needed real fast was adulthood.
The journey of a thousand miles they say begins with a step, but I took too many footsteps at a time hoping to get to my future fast not knowing I was heading for self-destruction.
My problem started when I got into college, with so much fresh air to breathe the spirit of freedom began to drive me. I met people, made friends, had cartels; made movements, plenty outings, and much jiving (seemed fun to me) not until I started finding myself in wrong gatherings with those I thought knew it all. Gradually I was introduced into the world of drinking and women, it was so nice that I never really saw anything wrong in it. Then there was a need to keep-up with the lifestyle and a corresponding need to beef-up my financial status. Got into football betting, gambling and sometimes petty stealing just to get money fast. It became so bad that days when these options where not working for me I would lie to some friends and make up stories just to be able to borrow money from them and after a while I ran into debts too big like an ocean to swim out off, grades began to drop drastically, I was never at ease. How does one study well when you are down-trodden with thoughts of somebody hassling you randomly on the streets all in the name of getting his money back. Ah, what an epic fail. I had totally lost my way, where the hell was the light at the end of the tunnel in this case of mine? Wasn’t anyone trying to find me?
As I write, these memories fresher than ever haunts me and I have come to realize that every action has it repercussion, a tad bit too late. Now I find myself in a situation where I am not rich neither am I poor but my life style reflects that of the latter. One who does not have spare money in his bank account, who most times borrow to survive, one who depends on the merits of friends to see himself through the hustle of the day, one whose friends have begun to neglect because lie is the only way to get funds from them, one who request from those “he is richer than”, what an Irony.
I now live a life; where my shining stars have become dark, where my future portrays the characteristics of an eclipse, where retracing my steps is not an option because I have lost track of how far I have come, where every positivity around me is a mirage. Where time lost can never be recovered. My heart heavy with no one to turn to, relief seems so far away. I wonder how my once almost perfect life became this shit hole of broken dreams and sad times. Choices made led to this situation I found myself in, how do I go back?
Faithful friends I almost lost because of promises of debts I failed to redeem. Like a coin with three sides; I stay at the edge neither here nor there and the big question is WHO IS TO BLAME?
Is it my parents for letting me become so free when I thought I was of age?
Is it myself for forgetting my Christian background and letting worldly things rule and ruin me?
Is it God for giving humans (me) the power to choose between right and wrong (why did He not just force me to the right path?)