I know what you're thinking, and I've been there before. You're worried about there being a lack of communication, you're worried about it being awkward, the other unfamiliar partner not finding you attractive, your bodies not meshing right away, being into different things that each other find strange, one partner not getting enough attention than the other two, are you pleasing this new person . . . There's a lot of insecurities that can arise when you consider group sexual activities. I've personally been in a few group situations this year that have been absolutely terrible, and a lot that have brought me and my primary partner much closer together as a couple.
Small background as I haven't posted much in a week or so, and might have to reintroduce myself. I'm a twenty-four year old porn model and polyamory practicing student that aims to become a Sex and Relationship Therapist in the next six years. I've had forty-one sexual partners to date, twenty-eight in the past year alone, and thirteen of those I've had group experiences with at one point or another. I only keep a list because it creates a beautiful little mental timeline for me over the past close to eight years of experience.
source: http://johnsthreesomeguide.com/what-to-watch-for.html
The above picture does happen and often enough. No matter which partner it happens to, it could just as easily have been the guy with his primary partner making the third feel uncomfortable, or maybe he is the third and they just like taking their time in front of him and don't realize it's making him jealous. It could be any number of these things, and you'll never know unless you prepare for them or talk about them when it's over. Nobody wants to step on a new person's toes and do something they're not comfortable with, consent is the number one rule of sex and it still applies to group activities no matter your mental state.
The only way to reasonably expect to prevent these types of situations is to communicate effectively and with understanding and empathy for those involved. If you're the type of couple that likes to run to a bar and bring home a drunk girl for the night, you're not really my type personally, but that style of finding comfort with that person will probably be different than mine yet still necessary. I like going out to eat together and watching movies at home talking about boundaries and comfort levels with various activities. That's a good way to hook up for me, it's different for everyone. You also wouldn't find me at a bar and receptive to being hit on in the first place most of the time, you'd find me at a local game store playing cards or buying graphic novels. This isn't a pick-up guide though, just stating that the place you find your extra partner/s will vary just as much as what you do with them and how you find out what they're okay with.
image credit: Friends
You might not get to be the center of attention, especially if you don't bring up that you'd like to be for a portion or a majority of the time. Let's take my more recent experiences for a look, earlier this year my primary partner started talking to a girl named Ash, Ash was dating a girl we'd already had a threesome with, named Lisa. Lisa invited us over for dinner and to meet her girlfriend, who turned out to be Ash. I knew Ash already from texting for a while and everyone was super happy that it worked out the way it did. It made things super comfortable, too comfortable for my own good actually. The night essentially devolved into Ash drunkenly humping my partner and my partner losing sight of our rules as a couple and our boundaries, and Lisa and I were left out and couldn't get into playing with one another because our primaries had abandoned us for eachother.
Credit: Friends
We were super butthurt that this happened, and didn't catch it developing in the moment. Ash was drunken and pretty gone, but had given consent well before getting to that point, and was just mauling my partner. Lisa and I didn't have a good time at all and of course we tried to talk about it the next day as mature adults. Ash apologized for being so brash and excited to jump on my partner, and I thought things would be better the next time. I was unfortunately wrong, this was just a bad matchup. Party girls aren't really my thing at all. Lisa and I again felt left out the second time, and there was a fifth person involved this time around, a guy named Vamp. That night was worse than the first, and we had to end up breaking things off with Ash because she couldn't handle herself and her vices. These situations could have been avoided if we had before the second time, told Ash "we really like you, but we need more conscious play when we're together because half of us are feeling left out while you and my partner go at it."
Source: https://greatist.com/live/ready-for-threesomes
"So how can we have a threesome that doesn't end in drama? What's that look like? Jeez Jamie, you've got some convincing to do, that would ruin my marriage!"
It's easier than you think it is, really. My recent negative experience is a rare road-bump in the grand scheme of the goals of my relationship with my primary partner. This isn't going to prevent our eventual marriage or family, and we've already prepared idea of how to integrate our theoretical and not so theoretical more serious partners into our possible children's lives in meaningful ways!
A more recent and much more positive experience was actually the inspiration for this post. My primary partner had been swiping around on Tinder and came across a profile of a girl named Trish. I thought nothing much of it as she told me "I matched with someone that has pictures of goats and chickens." instead of "I matched with this hot girl I really want us to hook up with maybe". I had no idea how comfy they had gotten talking over the next few days, and then they had a date set up. I was hesitant as it was on the heels of my very dry experiences with Ash, where I feel my primary could have done more as well as I. I let it happen, it went well, they watched a play and cuddled in the park and she asked if I wanted to meet her too. I told her soon, and we proposed a Kung-Fu movie night at our place. Broke college students, nerds, perfect idea. I was nervous as fuck about meeting this girl though.
You have to remember that no two people are exactly alike to a tee. There's such a large variance in how people choose to feel, think and experience their lives that almost every group activity you participate in these days will have some type of individualized feel to it. I was taking a nap when she got here, and Ginger woke me up by smashing pumpkin chocolate chip cookies in my mouth that Trish had brought. I put some pajamas on and said hello, there's no time like the present! Trish is gorgeous. Dorky ass hipster glasses and long black and blue hair, super curvy and sexy. In the back of my depraved mind I'm thinking "well now I feel bad for being nervous, she's sexy and cooks for us~" Mind you, this was never intended to even be a group connection. This was primary, Ginger's, date. They cuddled up on one couch and I laid on another, watched three movies, and by the end of the third movie I had poked at her hip dermals, and she was sitting between Ginger and I getting felt up. Of course I grabbed her number and started saying hello, and I was frank and honest, I told her that I was also interested and she said "Of course you are I saw the way you looked at me when you touched my dermals." A few days later she came back over with Italian bread (best I've ever had, to boot) and watched a movie with us again, this time it was rather short-lived though.
Source: http://thepisforpenis.com/
Sometimes things just fall in place, and those can sometimes be the best, or the worst experiences for you. Ash was a nightmare out of nowhere, but Trish is something that my relationship actually needed to experience. She's brought Ginger and I a lot closer together recently and it's easier to bond now even. After the first movie we ran into the bedroom and Trish was undressed before us even. Her and I had talked about boundaries and limits over text and Ginger and her had as well. I'd been able to give direction to them both in a very comfortable and pleasurable way, it was blissful. She's honestly the best group partner I think we've had yet. I don't mind it staying that way, I get to have a blast and Ginger and Trish enjoy every second of it too, we all get along outside the bedroom and are excited to go on some dates together and separately, I feel completely comfortable and at ease around this person and everything they've shown me they represent.
This is because of communication and transparency. Trust can be built and comfort established once all partners involved can display maturity and honesty. You can't beat someone with a belt while your to-be wife watches you, if you don't talk about why you're doing this in the first place. You should understand why your partner wants to include more than one person into the connection, well before you start actually looking. Thinking about what questions you need to ask your partners is very important, and not something I can tell you, you have to be able to trust that you know them well enough to know that yourself, and I hope you do before embarking on something like opening the relationship up, or at least their feelings on this particular topic!
At the end of the day, if everyone if comfortable and having fun, then have fun and be comfortable, fuck anything else. Don't forget to play safe, and I hope my tips and experiences have made thinking of opening up your relationship a more fruitful prospect and something to consider.
Your local crypto slut - <3
