There she is, the most beautiful girl I’ve seen in my life. Barely a few steps away from me and yet it seems that a long intriguing odyssey is on the horizon. All of the sudden, even time itself has slowed down, and for half a second, I’d swear that even my knee felt weak.
Wait, when did I become the girl?
You’re in the supermarket, although the sensory experience has it that you’re on a different planet entirely. In reality, she’s just picking up some chicken. The minute she turns and faces you, you immediately know it.
Deep inside you know, there is no fear anymore, no ifs, no more “what if she turns me down?” None of those rules apply anymore.
All you know is that you want to know her.
You don’t have anything good to say, but it doesn’t matter. You take one last look at her and you don’t think twice. After all, luck favors the idiots and the brave, or so you tell yourself.
You smile and start walking towards her. Now there’s no turning back.
Not even two steps in, and her phone rings… ‘Hello?’.
You watch her leave and you remain totally frozen. You didn’t even get a chance to embarrass yourself.
You stay there for half a minute, still thinking about what just happened while listening to George Michael’s Amazing being played in the background.
Two weeks have passed and you still can’t stop thinking about her. Your supermarket runs are suddenly becoming more and more frequent. You seem to never run out of excuses to return to your new favorite store. You know what I could really use? Some French Camembert!
Before I was acting like a girl, now I’m just a stalker.
One day, as you go to buy groceries, a new set of brand new thoughts start pouring into your head.
“Maybe I should just forget about her. After all, what are the odds that I see the same girl in the same supermarket again?”
You don’t get to finish that thought and there she is, believe it or not she’s buying chicken again.
Yeah, what are the odds?
You don’t even know her but a new feeling of happiness invades your heart, you’re almost relieved to see her again.
A newer thought replaces the other thought as you remember that scene from “Nine Weeks and a Half” between Kim Bassinger and Mickey Rourke.
I’m gonna copy that scene! You say to yourself.
You stand beside her, smile to her, and say this: “Every time I see you, you’re buying chickens.”
She doesn’t give you the slightest time in the world.
In my head, the story had played out in a totally different manner. Whatever happened to luck favoring the idiots and the brave?
If there was any worse time to realize that life doesn’t work exactly as in the movies, that was it. But you know what? That’s what you get for pretending to be a copy of someone else.
Though you still can’t believe how it all ended, before it even started.
Clap Your Hands if You Believe
The very same night, you go for drinks with some friends in a Tiki Bar by the beach, and guess who’s there?
Ok, I’m gonna go talk to her.
“Are you insane?!” Your friend says to you.
"I thought you said she ignored you?" He asks while probably thinking that you're some sort of masochist.
She did. Completely! I didn’t stand a snow ball's chance. I said to my friend and I walked towards her.
Only this time, something has changed, I went to meet her being me. Totally stripped from all external factors, with no mask, no “bad boy” attitude or whatever stupid crap I led myself to believe I had the obligation to follow.
And that’s what I told her. Not right away, but I did tell her about that stupid movie line eventually. She loved that movie by the way.
The truth is, this time she was more receptive before I even said a word. As it turns out women give more importance to context, rather than words. Some girls like assholes, and some girls like guys who are confident enough to be vulnerable. She tells you that she only gave you another chance because you have kind eyes. She tells you that she only dates nice guys.
You tell her that you are the only nice guy in town. “There was another one but I killed him. I don’t like competition.”
She laughs, and her smile is like a portal that takes you to another dimension. What you didn’t know back then is that it was just the beginning of so many beautiful memories that you shared together. In fact, that would be the longest relationship you had in your life. But you didn’t know that back then.
All you knew is that you’re so happy that you didn’t give in to that fear of rejection crap.
One day as you’re having dinner with her boss and his wife, the wife asks how the two of you met.
On the beach, she says while she began to describe that wonderful evening.
The beach? I thought we met in the supermarket.
Nope, you spoke. I didn’t it.
Everybody at the table laughs.
Part of Me
She’s right you know? That supermarket incident was silly and shouldn’t have deserved any more attention than that. The problem is that idiots like me usually give these things way more importance than they actually deserve.
Let’s rewind to that lovely evening on the beach. Let’s go back to that exact precise moment just before I went to talk to her. Imagine if I just preferred to stay safe, and avoid any chance of rejection. Imagine that that first misstep had 'micro-traumatized' me or zapped me into submission?
The things we sacrifice for fear… The problem however, is that fear is not a friend.
The Garden of Forgotten Dreams.
The garden of forgotten dreams, it’s a beautiful garden. All the people that you were afraid to ask out are already there, so are you shared memories. The way they laugh as you lay in bed all afternoon, the way they look at the mirror before you go out at night, the way they kiss...
It’s a real shame that you never actually get to meet any of them.
You walk around and you see all the relationships that you didn’t fight for. You gave up just because pride was building a wall so strong that fear couldn’t pass through.
You find even more new memories that you never actually had the chance to have. Warm and loving memories from rekindled relationship with your estranged siblings. Relationships that you lost because no one wanted take the first step to apologize, and because again, you were afraid to get hurt.
You keep walking around and then you stumble upon a secret room you didn’t notice the first time. Curiosity gets the best of and you open the door.
What you find in there blows you socks away. All those amazing jobs you that you didn’t accept, that dream you didn’t follow, those chances you never took… They are all there in front of you shining in their absolute glory.
It’s then, and only then that you realize that fear had successfully sealed your fate.
How Does it Feel?
How does it feel when you realize that the only thing that prevented those amazing memories from ever existing was that part of you that was constantly afraid of being hurt?
How does it feel when you discover the identity of the only common denominator in all these cases? That it’s always the same Ghost.
I know it’s easy to say this now, but looking back at it, if I had to rewind back in time to that beach decision-moment, then I would’ve loved to do it all over again. In retrospect, the fear of being hurt is nothing even slightly comparable to what would’ve been lost.
That stupid fear seems extremely ridiculous right about now, ain't it?
But hey! We are a ridiculous species after all.
Now I know, that Garden of Missed Dreams doesn’t really exist, but if it did, then I bet it would take you only one look at that garden to take that fearful part of you and try it for treason.
The good news is:
You still have time.
.
If you like these kinda things and want more