This is the first entry in a series, where we publish personal stories from people our writers have reached out to in person (having obtained their consent beforehand, and preserving their privacy). We have renamed the man Anton. We have also transcribed a recorded conversation between one of our writers and Anton (having deleted the recording afterwards, as he demanded).
Note: TDS = thedailysteem
TDS: Hello, Anton
Anton: Hey [Coughs]
TDS: Are you alright? Do you need anything?
Anton: No, I'll be fine. [Coughs] Shall we start?
TDS: If you're ready.
Anton: [breathes out] I guess I should go back to my 12-year-old birthday party. So, my father and I - Wait.
So, I lived with my dad, my mom and my cousin - she was a girl, 2 years older than me. I'll call her..hmm...Clarissa. We were very close, like brother and sister almost. [cough]
TDS: Are you sure you don't need some water?
Anton: D'you know what? I'd appreciate a glass, thanks.
[Few minutes later]
Anton: Alright. So, we were very close. Clarissa and me. Buddies. At least, that's what I thought back then. I was a kid. I didn't get that some of the stuff she was telling me to do was not right.
Anyways, we had our little celebration for my birthday. Cake 'n all. Some kinda three layered vanilla cake with two cream fillings. I was really happy. I can remember that. [he pauses] You know when you think back on your young days, and you have that feeling, "the good ole days" type feeling? You know what I mean? Those butterflies, man.
Anyways, so yeah. Cake, opened up presents. Ha ha! I remember, my dad had bought me a black Haro bike. I was real happy, man. I was really into that whole Tony Hawk, BMX extreme sports type stuff you know? Though I was no good! A scrawny little useless kid. [he pauses, and drinks water]
Party was good, nice and warm. Parent went to bed at like 9pm. We stayed up a bit, having a good time, chatting. We were close, you know? It was like 11pm.
She told me she needed to go take a leak, and I needed to come with her to help her with something. I mean, I was a stupid little kid, so why not, you know? We were real close man. Walked in the to the toilet first - it was like one small room with a sliding lock. She went behind me, and closed it the door and locked it. Look man, you get the point.
Man, I felt like a little victim, worthless little useless piece of trash, man. Didn't talk much after that happened. Didn't smile much either. [pauses] About a year after, got in a fight in school - went back home and had an argument with my mom. "What's going through your head Anton blah blah" Typical mom you know? Anyways, I was pissed that day, and didn't think much, and started bawling like a little baby bro. Couldn't tell you why.
Mom was all comforting and stuff, hugging and all that. She was all like "What's wrong Anton?", man I was so sensitive at that point, that I just started yapping. Said what happened with my cuz. Mom backed away, and turned her head.
"Boys can't get raped" she said.
I was pretty angry for a few years. Still get angry from time to time. But I get her now. My mom had raised Clarissa like her daughter you know? She was my mom's sister's kid.
TDS: Please don't feel forced to answer this, but how do you feel about what happened to you?
Anton: [pause] Man, I think about what my mom said. Sometimes. I don't feel like a man, you know?
Why didn't I just push her out the way or something. I coulda defended myself. Maybe she was right...