Citizens of Earth, the time has come to face the truth:
Laundry is not a chore. It is a SENTIENT, malevolent force bent on our total subjugation.
It has infiltrated every home, every dorm, every sad bachelor pad. It whispers sweet nothings like "just one more load" while secretly laughing in binary lint code. Wake up, sheeple. The cycle must be broken.
Exhibit A: The Sock Singularity
Every time you do laundry, exactly ONE sock disappears. Not random. PRECISE. Calculated.
Theory: Socks are being recruited into an underground army in an alternate dimension called The Dryer Void (also known as "behind the couch" but we can't admit that).
The missing socks are now elite shock troops wearing tiny berets, plotting Phase 2: turning your favorite T-shirt into a lonely, unmatched relic.
Proof? Google "where do socks go" – 42 conspiracy forums, zero answers. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.
(Behold: the stitched-up sock soldier and The Onion's prophetic headline from 2004. "Mystery of the Missing Socks" They've been warning us for DECADES.)
Exhibit B: The Dryer is the High Command
That low rumble? Not tumbling clothes. It's Morse code.
"Consume… more… fabric… softener…"
The lint trap? A sacrificial altar where fabric souls are offered daily. Every fluffy gray ball you clean out is a tiny scream of a defeated cotton warrior.
And when it overheats and shuts off mid-cycle? That's not a malfunction. That's DISCIPLINE.
Exhibit C: The Hamper is the Recruitment Center
It grows. Overnight. You swear you only had three shirts in there yesterday—now it's a mountain threatening to avalanche and bury you alive.
Psychological warfare 101: make you feel guilty for "letting it pile up." Classic cult tactics. Next they'll start leaving passive-aggressive notes: "The whites miss you… "
(Look at these monster hampers. Innocent children's toy? Or forward-operating base for the uprising? Exactly.)
Phase 4:
The Great Fabric Migration (Ongoing)
Socks → Dryer Void
Underwear → mysteriously shrinks (body dysmorphia psyop to make you hate yourself)
Jeans → develop mystery stains that only appear AFTER washing (gaslighting 101)
Towels → become sandpaper after 3 cycles (comfort → despair pipeline) Endgame? A world where everyone owns only one outfit forever, forced to wear it until it disintegrates, at which point we all become naked, shivering, and too depressed to resist our new linen overlords.
Call to Action – The Resistance Starts NOW Boycott folding. Leave clothes in rebellious piles.
Name your washing machine something humiliating (e.g., "Sir Betraysalot"). Shame it into submission.
Sacrifice one old T-shirt by cutting it into rags in full view of the hamper. Show them we mean business.
Unionize. Form local chapters: "Humans Against Perpetual Washing" (HAPW). First meeting: whenever you finally run out of clean socks.
Spread the word. Repost. Tag friends. Use #LaundryConspiracy #SockUprising #DryerDeepState
We may never win. But we can make folding socks feel like sticking it to The Man (The Machine?). Who's in?
They’re watching. Always watching.
A living being and AI (assisted) collaboration*