Disclaimer: In case the title didn't tip you off, this post contains sexual content. Reader discretion is advised.
"Then he started spreading chocolate frosting on the woman's ass," my boss said.
Where were the keepers of the office quote board when you needed them?! It seemed like they were always in earshot to write down your most embarrassing words (I had one on the whiteboard that said "I'll do anything for a chocolate chip cookie"), but right now they were missing some pure gold.
My manager was in the middle of describing one of the shorts from the film festival he had attended the previous night. This one had something to do with turning a woman's naked body into a cake.
It turns out HUMP! Film Festival has a rather singular theme: porn.
I hadn't even heard of it before, even though it was in its 11th year and played for several weeks at the Seattle International Film Festival (SIFF) Cinema each October.
The hilariously inappropriate conversation left me intrigued, but my curiosity didn't teeter over the edge until a friend happened to bring up the festival again later that night, while we were at an Electroswing Burlesque Dance Party.
(Man, my Friday nights were way more exciting back then.)
We had just watched Catherine the Great strip off her clothes and go wild on the horn of a man in a rubber unicorn mask - how much weirder could a porn film festival be?
She and I bought our tickets for one of the few remaining available shows on Sunday night.
The audience milling around the SIFF foyer was a normal-looking mix of ages and genders. "I'm about to watch porn with these people," I reminded myself.
Once upon a time, before the internet, was this really how folks did this?
The familiar scent of movie popcorn filled the air, but the pre-show ads cycling between a sex positivity group and an in-home penis molding kit reminded me that this was not a normal movie theater experience. The MC laid down some ground rules - absolutely no cell phone use and no disparaging remarks - before tossing tiny vibrators into the crowd and starting up the film reel.
Here's my ballot with the full line-up:
Some shorts were super artsy, some went for humor, and others were just straight up amateur porn.
There was a film noir in which all the actors were real penises, dressed in wigs and googly eyes. Another was a mockumentary about a man who collects semen from celebrities.
Near the end, a political video-game-themed piece followed the protagonists through battles with bible thumpers and body shamers before literally fucking the patriarchy in an orgy. It was so Seattle.
To prove that the short films were made for the festival, the filmmakers had to include some extra credit items. So every so often a hula hoop or a copy of Mike Huckabee's book "God, Guns, Grits, and Gravy" made a strange appearance.
Unlike much of the porn I'd seen online (and I admit, I'm not an expert on the subject), everyone on screen was having so much fun, their bodies shaking with laughter and their smiles unabashed.
The audience was having fun, too, laughing and cheering (with their hands out in the open).
The films made a point of creating an emotional connection with the audience and representing a variety of body types and sexual orientations. None of them felt tired or depressing.
It made me see porn in a new light, as a celebration instead of a shameful secret or an obstruction to real physical intimacy.
The only time it got super awkward was in the moments of silence after an unsettling BDSM short involving animal masks. Everyone tried to figure out how to react before a smattering of applause.
On the way out, I shoved my ballot down a cardboard cutout of a butthole, then we walked across the street to grab some Dick's.
Suddenly, everything from the name of this classic Seattle diner to the act of licking my ice cream cone seemed titillating.
I never imagined that I would watch two hours of porn in public, but it's now something I recommend that others try!
The festival sparked several interesting conversations about the porn industry and sexuality with the friend I went with, my boyfriend, and pretty much everyone I mentioned it to.
If you're interested, HUMP! Film Festival is based out of Seattle and tours around the US and Canada each year. Several major European cities also host porn film festivals, such as the one in Berlin.
Have you been to a porn film festival? If not, would you like to attend? Let me know in the comments! (P.S. I upvote my favorites.)
Thanks for reading, and my apologies if this one was a bit risque - curiosity can lead you to some interesting places! All words and photos are mine unless otherwise noted.
- Katie,
More “That Time I…”
- That Time I Rode the Ferry Dressed as a French Maid
- That Time I Spent a Week Swimming With Wild Dolphins
- That Time I Rang the Opening Bell at Nasdaq While Wearing My Brother's Underwear
- That Time I Kayaked With Hundreds of Alligators
- Plus more to come each Wednesday!