It's a different kind of world to live in when you have your eyes open.
It's summer here in the states, so I've been spending a lot of time outdoors. There's a great park near my house that is huge, a bit woodsy, and makes you forget that you are actually in the middle of the city. From the top of the bluffs, there's a great expansive view of the Colorado front range, and during monsoon season, I park my car up there and watch the storms roll in under the big Colorado sky.
Not long ago on a night where I just needed to get a little space (for all of you who are married, you know that even in the most beautiful of unions, things aren't always easy peasy), I drove up the winding road to the top of the bluffs. It was one of those nights where I was confused... soul searching, really, and I didn't even know it. It's crazy how the brain plays ego tricks on us. In the midst of conflict, when emotions are high, there's a tendency to think that it's always the other person, that if they were to screw their head on straight, or cultivate a little more self awareness, that they would magically figure out what needs to be fixed to make things right. And our human brains, well, they always NEED to fix something, don't they? That's pretty close to where I was that night, emotionally speaking. I parked and walked out to the picnic table to watch our nightly storm roll in. A light drizzle is always so nice for a moody night. As I sat at the table, looking at the sky and trying to puzzle through my emotions, I heard a sound, a humming sound, that came and went. I pulled myself out of my conflicted mind for a moment to look around. I saw, next to me in the air, a hummingbird. As I looked around a bit more, I noticed more hummingbirds. They were literally all around, flying around tree branches, buzzing up to the picnic table, flitting about in the rain, as though they were trying to fly between the water droplets. Each time one came within a few feet of me, I could hear the faint humming sound of their tiny wings. I sat there for a little while, just listening to them, allowing myself to share presence with them. I left not long after, once I felt calm. Apparently it doesn't take long to remember to take a few breaths when you are hanging out with hummingbirds.
Things continued to be tough that week (was Mercury in retrograde or something?) so I asked a friend in Denver if I could stay with her for the weekend. You know, self-care is really a super important concept. As is the concept of space and sovereignty in relationships. It's tempting to grasp on tighter when things are going awry, and it's rarely the best option. At my girlfriend's house, I mostly bathed, ate and slept, and weirdly for us, we barely even chatted. She set me up on her living room floor next to the sliding glass porch door. Around 3am, I woke up just roasting. Hot, sweating... anxiety ridden, just desperate for some cool air. I opened the sliding glass door, breathed a little, and went back to sleep. Thanks to the Colorado sun, I woke up again as it was rising to greet me... to the sound of humming. I opened my eyes, and what was right next to me, but two more hummingbirds. I got chills all over my body, pleasant ones, like I could feel an electricity in the air, an energy. The feeling was tangible, full of potential, and vibrantly alive in a bright and dynamic sense. It felt like a moment of complete presence, and clarity, full of that feeling of real. I watched, I listened, I bathed in their frequency and pretended they were giving me a sound bath, bird style. Then I sat up and wrote. It felt like the door to expression was finally open. Have you ever had that feeling? That urge to express, like you have to get it all out, and now is the time? I wrote everything I was thinking and feeling, everything I had to say... all the blame, all the anger. Things I realized I was feeling, things I didn't. It was more of a purge than an expression, really. I was ready to literally vomit my feelings all over my poor husband. I felt lit up, ready for action, ready for motion, and confrontation if need be. I thought, NOW is the time! Eureka! All thoughts of space went out the window. Thankfully, by some stroke of luck or prior insight to put a couple hours between us, I couldn't just rush back to spill my guts (thank you, past self). Frustrated, I packed my things and decided to go for a walk on my way home to quell my restlesness.
As I sat in my car at the trail I had chosen for my way home, I again saw two more hummingbirds. Why were these creatures following me? Seriously, I mean, there's a bit of wildlife out here for sure, but never in my life have I seen so many hummingbirds. Usually they are few and far between, and I see them about as often as I would a shooting star. Suddenly, I felt that energy again, so real, so tangible. It had that quantum feel to it. These moments always seems to catch me by surprise, like a sudden stroke of insight or like finally opening your eyes after a long, dreamless sleep.
I know this. I've been here before.
The quantum moment... some people smell flowers on the air, some get a shiver up the spine, or their hair stands on end. Or they are listening to a song and suddenly... The whole world is clear, and you understand everything, especially the path ahead. Every time it has occurred in my life (a handful of times at least), I have felt a peculiar energy in the air, like an atmosphere, much like the tingle I get watching the monsoon rains roll over the foothills. I finally decided, I better get on the nets and learn a thing or two about hummingbirds.
It turns out, hummingbirds are fascinating little creatures. Did you know, on average, they weigh less than a nickel, but have one of the largest hearts in comparison to their size in the animal kingdom? Their color patterns are the result of a prism effect (which is what gives them those magical rainbow patterns), and they are the only bird that is capable of speeding along and coming to a dead stop in the sky, and can even fly backwards. I had no idea that they were such incredible animals. I even found a website that day (and lost the link, never to be found again) that said they have incredible healing capabilities, and as they hover around you, they can actually spray a magical dust over you with their tiny beaks, like a healing mist of joy, happiness, and lightness.
I experienced such a multitude of feelings while these guys were around me, I'm inclined to believe in their healing powers. So I decided to embody the hummingbird for just a little while, as I drove south to meet up again with my hubby.
I won't describe the trip home, as it was basically an emotional roller coaster ride. No one here needs to read about that. Suffice to say though, by the time I walked into the house, and saw him sitting on the couch waiting to patiently hear all the things I had to say, I took a breath. And sat. And said, you know, babe, I learned something. I spend so much time worrying about where I'm going, what I'm doing, and how to improve upon myself to be a better person. I realize, I also project that onto us. I realized though, that there is already a sweet nectar that is just waiting, always there, for me to take a long sip. I don't know what we have to talk about in the future, I'm sure there are many things. But for now, I just want to enjoy being myself, the person I love, the person YOU love, and just us being us. I think, for now, that's enough. Now is not the time for growth or transcendence, searching or cultivating. For now, I'd rather just stop trying so damn hard and sit with you in the woods so we can enjoy. Just enjoy.
The smile I saw on his face was the most vibrant thing I've seen in a very, very long time.
Since that moment, things have changed. It turns out I was cultivating after all, but it was more with the energy of surrender, and also of joy. I will forever show my gratitude to all the spirits who guide my way, but Hummingbird now has a very special place in my heart.
Thanks for sticking with me through this journey. I hope, that during a time of need, you choose to keep your eyes open to the natural world of healing medicine that exists all around us. There is a wealth of healing, a journey of spirit to experience in the universe. And you and I, all of us are, as always, infinite possibility. I will continue to surrender myself to it. I wish the same for you. <3
Resources:
https://wootandhammy.com/blogs/news/what-does-a-hummingbird-symbolize-spirit-animal-meaning
http://hummingbirds.ucdavis.edu/hummingbird_information/interesting_facts.cfm
Photo Credit:
https://www.deviantart.com/marijeberting/art/Hummingbird-visit-a-fractal-flower-538109239
