From The Triangle Office-Because The Rectangle Office Is Being Repainted Gold & Silver)
The North West Wing
4 Doors Down, Opposite Guest Bedroom Blue99.
It has come to the attention of us here at 
No not that ICE, the other not so pretty one.(We thought a little humor would be good here).
We of course have no record of these so called “stolen children” and mr donald trump has insisted that it is in fact fake news (we do have knowledge that is not correct, but..you know we can’t p*ss off mr donald trump or we will be on the receiving end of yet another tantrum).
We firmly believe that parent’s and kids should remain together and that the USA should not be in the business (oh sh*t we shouldn’t have said that) of “putting kids in cages” as the fake news media keeps on insisting we are doing.
OK so we are doing just that, it’s because all our private prisons need more inmates so they can make their huge profit.
We overheard mr donald trump saying “Parents are welcome to join their kids in the cage too if they wish” so we must immediately circulate that statement to the world press in full transparency.
So this is official from
We are aware the mr donald trump has established a child adoption business, but this is not owned by mr donald trump, it is operated by the trump trust, not mr donald trump.
This is of course purely coincidental, but there are approximately 2000 children available for purchase/adoption with just a simple piece of paperwork, buying/adopting a child from this new business will of course provide said child with full US Residence Rights including no free healthcare, and really below the world average quality education.
We here 
Unfortunately mr donald trump is making a lot of wrong/idiotic/crazy decisions about policy and some really stupid executive orders but well it’s our job to explain those to everyone even if they are sometimes inexplicable or inexcusable.
mr donald trump has made a decision regarding the illegal immigrants that are flooding into the USA and obviously plan to destroy it from the inside as punishment for not letting them and their families ino the greatest country in the world (oh BTW That's us).
In an executive order signed today just 6 minutes ago, mr donald trump has decided to follow up with employers of illegal immigrants, and issue notices of deportation to those US employers/citizens/residents (who offer employment to illegal immigrants…lllegally) to Guantanamo within 4 days. Or if those US employers/citizens/residents are found to be offering employment to more than one “Illegal”, that US employer/citizen/resident will be subject to IMMEDIATE DEPORTATION WITHIN 3 HOURS.
Those who get deported to Guantanamo will of course get visitation rights once every 11 months and a legal representation meeting of exactly 30 seconds to arrange a legal defense for their actions.
This will alleviate much of the immigrant problem almost instantly by deporting the US employers/citizens/residents who offer employment to illegal immigrants...illegally.
Those US employers/citizens/residents who have children may chose if they wish to have their children incarcerated with them or confiscated and made available for adoption by the new adoption agency operated by The Trump Trust.
It is unfortunately anticipated that US grown fruit and vegetables (yes there are some of those) will rise in price by 267.38%, and home cleaning and outdoor maintenance services normally offered by illegal immigrants will no longer be available in the USA (no US resident/citizen would work for such a low wage) …but the illegal immigrant issue will be solved.
It’s a win win situation (that’s what we were told to tell you).
This incredible way to manage illegal immigration will make the USA great again within about 79 years, and will go into the history books (if they will exist then) as something great that mr donald trump has done.
One other upside, the “wall” will no longer be necessary, as nobody will want to come to the USA anymore.
As you have read this far, it must be noted that this entire piece is a work of satire or fiction, and is not to be considered any kind of news.
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