While I do not know your pain, I can somewhat understand. I have not spoken to either one of my parents for almost 9 months. It makes me sad, and mad at myself for not calling them. At this point, I don't even know what I would say to them, because it has been so long. I hope that you find some peace tonight when you sleep. At some point in time, you might find that you really need to speak to a professional that can help. It takes more strength and courage than I have to ask for help, I hope that you can find it.