Hi, my dear Steemit friends, let’s talk about love and relationship today. :)
This is a video of Tenzin Palmo that i discovered through @Raluca, our fellow Steemian who writes about communication, relationships, listening, sexuality and many more. If you are interested in these topics too, please follow her. :)
After watching the video, i thought Tenzin Palmo’s words were so truthful and wise that i should transcribe them and also translate them to Chinese, so hopefully more of us could appreciate and share her wisdom of love and relationship. It is a theme that we all resonate with since the day we were born, from the relationship we have with our parents (and other relatives), to the ones that we build with our friends and classmates/colleagues/teammates, and probably most intensely, with our romantic partners.
The search of love, or to understand the meaning of it is never ending. If love is a positive, happy feeling, then why sometimes it hurts us so much? What is the difference between love and attachment?
The problem is that we mistake the idea of love for attachment. You know, we imagine that the grasping and clinging that we have in our relationships shows we love, whereas actually it is just attachment which causes pain, because the more we grasp the more we are afraid to lose, then if we do lose, of course we are going to suffer.
Attachment says, “I love you therefore i want you to make me happy.”
Genuine love says, “I love you therefore i want you to be happy. If that includes me, great. If it doesn’t include me, i just want your happiness.”
So it's a very different feeling. Attachment is like holding very tight, but genuine love is like holding very gently, nurturing, by allowing things to flow, not to be held tightly. The more tightly we hold onto the others, the more we will suffer. But it’s very hard for people to understand that because they think that, the more they hold on to someone, the more it shows that they care about them. But it’s not, it’s really just that they are trying to grasp something, because they are afraid that otherwise they themselves will be hurt.
Any kind of relationship which imagines that we can fulfill ourselves through anther is bound to be very tricky. I mean, ideally people should come together already feeling fulfilled within themselves, and therefore just appreciating that in the other, rather than expecting the other to supply that sense of wellbeing which they don’t feel on their own..then there is a lot of problems. And also along with the projection which comes with romance where we project all our ideals, desire and romantic fantasies onto the other, which the other can’t possibly fulfill once you get to know them, you recognise it is not Prince Charming or Cinderella, it's just a very ordinary person also struggling. And unless one is able to see them, to like them as well as feel desire for them, and to also have loving kindness and compassion, then it’s going to be a very difficult relationship.
So, what is your understanding of true love? Please share with us! Thank you. <3
Steemit的朋友們，大家好！今天讓我們一起來“談情說愛”吧！
我偶然發現了Tenzin Palmo的一個短片，談論關於“真愛”與“情感依賴”的分別。這個短片是 @Raluca和我們分享的，她通常會寫一些關於人際溝通，情感，聆聽以及性學等方面的課題。如果你有興趣的話，請記得關注她。 :)
看完這個短片，我覺得Tenzin Palmo講的道理非常真實而且充滿智慧，於是決定將它寫下來並譯成中文，希望更多的朋友可以感受和分享她對愛與人際（或兩性）關係的看法。因為這是一個我們每人都有著切身體會的深刻話題，從我們出生的那日起，我們和父母（及其他親戚）的關係，到我們與朋友/同學/同事/隊友之間建立的友誼，當中也許最刻骨銘心的，是我們和伴侶的愛情。
對真愛的追求與理解，是我們一生的探索。如果愛是一種積極的，快樂的感覺，為何它有時卻讓我們感到如此傷心？ “真愛”與“情感依賴”的分別是什麼呢？
我們的問題在於常常把情感依賴當作是真愛。我們總以為，捉緊某人或者對其糾纏就是一種愛他/她的表現，但其實這只是情感依賴，會帶給我們痛苦。因為我們捉得越緊，就越害怕失去，而如果真的失去的時候，我們自然會受到沉重的打擊。
情感依賴會說，“我愛你，所以我需要你讓我開心。”
真愛則會說，“我愛你，所以我需要你開心。如果這當中包含了我，那當然很好；如果並不包括我在內，我只要你幸福。”
所以這是兩種截然不同的感覺。情感依賴就如緊緊握住不放，而真愛則是輕輕地握著，滋養牠，並讓它成長，而不是捉的太緊。我們越著緊地去捉住某人，我们就会有越多的痛苦。也許對於很多人來說，這難以理解，因為他們認為，緊握某人是一種關懷的表現。其實不然，那只不過是他們以為如果不捉緊一點的話，自己就會受到傷害。
任何一種人際關係，如果我們想通過他人來實現自我價值，將注定坎坷。最理想的情景，是大家都有完善的自我，然後彼此互相欣賞，而不是期待另一個人來滿足我們自己所達不到的某種缺憾...這將預示著問題重重，與此同時，我們還將過於不真實的的理想，慾望和浪漫幻想投影於他人身上，在了解之後發現，他們無法滿足你的幻想，因為他們也只是一個人，也有人會有的問題。除非你可以正視他們的弱點，仍然喜愛和嚮往他們，並用溫柔和同理心來對待他們，否則這份感情會很艱難。
在你的成長過程中，你對真愛的理解是怎樣的呢？請和我們一起分享吧！