Walk Like a Normal Person
A short-short about living with ankylosing spondylitis
by veckinon
I used to play this little game when no one was around. I would stand up and try to walk across my living room like a ‘normal person.’ No crutches, no cane, at a reasonable pace, without any noticeable limping or spasming. “Maybe it’s not as bad as I think.” I would tell myself. “Maybe, if I just focus.”
I would count how many steps I could take. Sometimes I could muster a few, pretty good, normal looking steps; almost making it half way across the room before I couldn’t hide it anymore. Other days, I wouldn’t be able to walk at all, or even stand up unaided and the pain would rule every cubic centimeter of my being. On those days I couldn’t help but wonder if that was how it was always going to be; if I would ever walk normal again? There had been other times in my life where things had gotten worse and had never gotten better again. Would this be one of those times?
A 'not so good' day
These bad spells would sometimes last minutes, sometimes years. They almost always came on very quickly, and they always brought that fear. It turned out that sometimes, when I told myself that things might not be as bad as I thought, I was right. But, more often, I was mistaken. It also turned out that all the focus I could conjure, would at best, only allow me a few more moments of faking it.
As time went on, I played the game less and less. The need to convince myself of my situation waned as did the idea that I had to hide it from others. It didn’t matter how many normal steps I could take on a good day. It still wasn’t who I was. I grew to accept my body to some degree. It is like that piece of shit car you owned, just out of high school. It is battered and beaten up. It is missing parts. It runs like shit and you never know when it isn't going to start. And every time you turn on the windshield wiper it makes that horrible screeching as the metal scrapes against the glass. But every once in a while, it gets you somewhere you need to go. And for that, you love it. That's my body.
a better day
So, I am no longer concerned about walking like a normal person. In fact, it often seems other people are more concerned with it than I am. “Have you tried this,” they will ask. Secretly hoping (sometimes without knowing it) that I came to this state through inaction or lack of experimentation, or maybe because I simply had not heard of the cure. In some cases, unconvinced or unaware that it could happen to them; that they too could lose their ability to walk like a normal person. It turns out that some people just don’t walk normal. Some don’t walk. Some people walk normal some days, but not others. It turns out that some people walk normal their whole lives, and then one day they just don’t anymore. And that is just how it is. So, I no longer worry about walking like a normal person. I still fear the pain though.
This was a brief story about living with Ankylosing Spondylitis. Ankylosing spondylitis is a painful and debilitating form of inflammatory arthritis. It is similar in many regards to rheumatoid arthritis. However, it can also have extensive involvement with the spine and connective tissues and may affect the eyes and digestive system. In some cases it can also cause fusion of the vertebrae or the SI joints. Ankylosing Spondylitis (AS) is found in higher rates among people who have other autoimmune diseases. I, myself, have also been diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, a systemic autoimmune disease that primarily affects the digestive system and idiopathic restrictive lung disease (which is just doctor speak for “your lungs don’t work right, we don’t know why.”) These conditions have had a pretty profound effect on my life and my outlook and I wanted to share some stories about living with them.
If you enjoyed this piece, feel free to check out some of my other work and thanks for looking!
