After having sex with the 4th girl of my young life at the time, I decided to get an STD check. Not for any physical reasons, mostly for the emotional reassurance. Anyways, I called my neighbor across the street who is 3 years older than me (basically my big brother) and I told him that I made an appointment to get checked and I asked him what it entailed. He said it wasn't too bad; they did a sperm sample, swabbed his dick, checked his blood etc etc. So I felt pretty prepared going in there a few days later.
On my way to the clinic I was feeling pretty nervous to ejaculate in a cup but I reassured myself that it was going to be fine.
When I finally got there, an older lady called my name and handed me a clear cup and escorted me to the restroom and said, "Please go in here." I was picturing more of a comfortable room where I could do my private thing of choking my chicken but I thought fuck it, the bathroom will suffice. I remember looking around for some pornographic material because my neighbor said that they provide you with some but there was nothing. I remember thinking what the fuck, this place just expects us to use our imagination? Disappointed, I said oh well, not like I haven't used just my imagination before. So I began…yes... masturbating over the sink…anyways I remember amazingly rubbing one out pretty fucking fast…almost too fast….so I thought that I'd wait in there an additional 10 minutes because I didn't want her to think that I was some type of freak. After waiting in there for what felt like an eternity I finally handed my semen filled cup back to the old lady nurse who acted impatient and upset that I took so long. I began following her down the hallway.
The woman set the cup on this desk table thingy, looked at it, and then picked it up again and she jiggled the cup a little bit…. She stopped…I held my breath as I looked at her face as I saw it turn from confusion to sheer horror. She turns to me and goes, "Ummmm sir, I need a urine sample." I will never forget the feeling that I had at that very moment. My face got red, I felt immediately hot, my legs felt weak. I just wanted to get the fuck out of there. There have been so many embarrassing moments in my life but luckily I can think pretty quickly on my feet and I can dig my way out of most uncomfortable situations. As for this moment…there was no fucking shovel in sight for me to dig myself out of. Nothing to say nothing to do, i just stood there terrified. I just jizzed in a fucking urine sample cup and now this poor elderly woman who was probably months away from retirement was now horrified and confused as she was gripping a hot cup of my potential babies. I'm guessing the clinic never trained her for situations like this. Even if she had made a joke to lighten the mood it would've been better- it would have killed the tension in the room. Instead she remained stoic- I felt awkward and scared; I felt like a monster.
After going back to pee and a few tests later I got the F out of there. After much reflection though, I now think that she deserved it. Because honestly, yes I did ASSUME that she wanted a sperm sample but the woman never specified what she wanted. Therefore she assumed I knew too and when both people are assuming chances are that one of them is going to get a cup full of the other one's jizz. It's just the way it is.
God I still cringe just thinking about that day. Sometimes when I'm looking at myself in the mirror, I randomly think of that old woman's face as she realized that she's holding a cup filled with my hot semen soldiers and I just bust out laughing and shake my head. Good times.
