PTSD Journal Entry #2
I think it's time for me to attempt PTSD journal entry #2. As some of my followers probably realized I haven't been posting consistently the last week or so, well it's just another isolating time. Where I find it hard to get the motivation to do anything let alone write a blog and try to act like I am feeling OK when I'm not. I don't know how to express how I feel without making it sound differently then meaning too. Here goes another try.
I keep the circle of people in my life very small as for me keeping up with the back stabbing and lies and using me for what people need.
Lets just say its a hell of a lot less stressful to have fewer “friends”. There are a select few that fit the bill and of course my battle buddies from the military! That's the connection I yearn for most the comradely, the brotherhood. As a civilian I'm nothing but a broken soldier. It seems as if I have no purpose to be on earth, feel I shouldn't have survived the things I did in Iraq, and honestly would have preferred to compared to the pain I have felt and caused since.
Inside my head the true me is trapped as if in a jail cell behind bars trapped in my own brain. I have gotten to a point where I am so desperate for a medication to work that the complete failure of the first 5-6 has rendered me hopeless. Which in turn has hurt my wife. She is my shield my source of power my absolute reason for being, followed along with my children. Yet I for some reason push so hard away while holding on so tight. Knowing I will never let go while trying to find the answer on how to cope with my issues. And learn to live again, anxiety gets so intense that I believe it could kill me one day.
At the end of the day I drive on and I push and I grind and I sleep and repeat. I will do what needs to be done for my family and get my life back on track and be the best father and husband I can be. I promise this to myself and to my wife. From this day forward I will die trying to never let you feel the pain you felt today. You are the Key to everything You are the center. Ending entry here.
