I am a person who always had difficulties finding his place under the sun. For a long time I thought maybe there is no such place for me. But it's easy to come to this particular conclusion. I have no doubt that most of our population feel like this from time to time. But that's just a feeling, an emotion. It's unavoidable. You have to remind yourself that.
What is unavoidable will always be with you and that's why it doesn't really matter that much.
I thought long and hard about meaning of life. I guess those who chose to read this story should know what I'm talking about. Constructing puzzles of life is like a hobby to me, almost the way of life. But was I ever successful at all? Did I really benefit from just sitting on my creaky chair and philosophizing about things that bother me the most?
When I started to work at my full-time job, reality suddenly reshaped itself. I guess that shouldn't surprise me - before that I have managed to lock myself in one tiny room for a whole year armed with soft drugs and endless video games. Despite that I really wanted to write and talk about things that matter for me. Things that are imperishable. But did I really have anything to say? Of course not. That's why I didn't write at all and stayed silent for a long time.
Now, when everything has changed, I realized I chose the wrong path of life which is impossible to travel. In a matter of fact, I would lie if I said this path lead anywhere at all. Back then I was giving up on everything at the same time. I was ready to die where I sit. That was my reality and it was like that for a veeery long time because I couldn't really escape it. I made that life for myself and when it didn't satisfy me anymore I did nothing. Not because I couldn't, but because ultimately I didn't want to. My soul was ready to extinguish with all the hatred boiling inside. But I'm still here. I still share my craziness with the world while being stronger than ever.
So what changed? Who pulled me out of constantly gyrating wheel of routine, who distracted me from everlasting depression, what motivated me to move a finger when I was just about to leave this world?
I could boldly blame absurd chain of events, but I would yet again make another mistake. What I am now is not just a byproduct of many coincidences. This is my masterpiece, mishmash of consequences of my efforts, talents and bravery. What I am is a result of what I did consciously. And maybe it's not much, but the real meaning of everything doesn't hide in quantity of achievements.
As I probably mentioned before, for a long time I've searched for a purpose which would lead me to a real meaning of my life. I've searched so honestly and persistently that in the end I wrestled with the life itself and without a doubt did much more harm than good. Not only for myself, but for others too. Though now I can spill out one simple fact I should've said to myself ages ago.
You mustn't think about meaning of everything that often. If you want to find purpose, you have to look for it. Not in your head, not on the Internet, not in behavior of other people or casual life situations. You have to stand up and go. Physically. If you want to find your purpose, you must go to places you have never been before. Talk to people you don't really want to talk to, try things you would never try by yourself. You have to wade through life and collect every little grain of trifle and then... When the sun meets horizon you can light up a cigarette and think about everything you've seen and heard today. In silence. That is the only way to find missing pieces of the puzzle. The only way to gather experience that you might not want to have, but you must. Just by moving and doing you can reach a conclusion of your thoughts that you couldn't reach before.
And by doing all of it you don't have to be miserable. Life doesn't have to be that hard.
Not so long ago I posed a question to a very special friend of mine. Why be sad when you can observe sadness instead?
Indeed. Why should I feel, lets say, lonely when I can observe that feeling? Every negative stimulus that affects us is just a stimulus that has affected us before many many times. It's just a reaction to our surroundings that are not always as we want it to be. But why should you submerge in it? Isn't that usual?
What I understood is that negative emotions are just signals which we must comprehend. We don't have to experience everything like it's the most important thing in the world. It doesn't matter what it is - sadness, loneliness, pain, happiness or whatever - all of it is just a messages we can decipher and learn something new about yourselves.
In other words, if you're feeling sad, don't. Instead ask yourself - why am I sad? What's the reason for it? How should I react to it? Not how I want to, but how I should. Also, what can I learn from it? How can I avoid it in the future? What really made me this sad? What sadness brings out of me? How can I manage that?..
Life is full of beautiful moments which are easy to forget. What nostalgia tells me is that every moment in life is in it's own way adorable, it's just so hard to notice these things in the heat of the moment. But it's possible.
Reality becomes much simpler when you look at it as if it was a video game. But, honestly, it is a game. Life has rules, a balance, it's not merciful. But that is just a game.
Learn to play it.
Learn to lose.
And know that you don't really have other choice but live. So play.
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