On occasion, especially as of late in attempts to become financially established, I've found myself stuck in a loop after a decision leads to an undesirable outcome. Stuck in a funk.
"If I had just done this then I would have been set. If I just did that, I would finally be out of debt."
Never one to think about money often since being able to pay the bills and keep a roof over my head, especially after growing up seeing money being the cause of nearly all arguments, but ideas of a life not just going through the meat grinder have crept up lately.
Thoughts of being able to provide and take care of my loved ones.
Thoughts of financial success resulting in a means to give back.
Thoughts of doing even a fraction of what has been done for me and paying back the parents who gave everything they could while having nothing in hopes of a better life for me.
The security found in an office job has only led to new problems and desires pushing me towards investing what little bit I've managed to save. I remember one bad decision after trading options for some time led from great gains to losing everything.
I told my mother "I was doing so well. I could have taken care of everyone. I made a bad decision out of greed and lost it all."
She smiled and said "It wasn't meant to be. There will be other opportunities. You're going to be miserable if you keep obsessing over it."
It wasn't meant to be. Deterministic, but for some reason I find comfort those words.
I'm thankful for the perspective gained from growing up under parents who came from nothing only to slave away for a lifetime to provide for others. I'm thankful to bare witness to unrelenting effort in the face of endless setbacks. It taught me to care less about where I am, or where the finish line is, but rather my direction. Regardless of the circumstances, let every decision you make lead you forward.
Regardless of whatever happens, be it rotting under florescent tubes in a cubicle to the end of time or otherwise, I'm grateful for my problems.
Whatever happens, happens.