When I was serving my motherland or fatherland or whatever in zamfara state about ten years ago, I had this neighbour who detested my smoking. His detest was not out-of the natural irritation non smokers have with smokers but rather the knowledge of a former smoker.
Every time he found me outside my door lighting sticks after infernal sticks of Benson and hedges, he would frown at me and tell me that I look too innocent to be smoking. I would laugh and light another.
My roomies ,about three of them were nonsmokers and out of respect for their airspace and their girlfriends I did not smoke inside the house. The pretty ladies on the other side of the building were quite amazed but they were used to rough dudes so they didn't make much ado about my habit. They were just surprised at seeing someone like me smok so much.
One day this neighbour of mine came to me with two ashtrays. He was cleaning his room and he found them. He gave them to me as gifts and I took them because they were a novelty not because I needed them. I never used them. When I left zamafara state after my service year had come to an end, I left them behind with my khaki jacket, trousers, socks, boot, canvas shoes and my heart which a damned beautiful lady had crushed without a thought.
During that period, I smoked more than I have ever smoked in my life till date. I was free from parental eyes, family eyes, neighbours who have known me from day one as well as friends who were uncomfortable with seeing a supposed nerd smoke so much.
I thought I'd quit. I thought I'd be able to manage the urges I have but to my shame I could not and as each day goes by, I have become resigned to this need. I expect that I would have a difficult time in the future and I really wish I had the strength to step away but it is nothing but a puff of smoke and nicotine now yet I know that I can't resist.
Smoking cigarette came as a result of my interest in the high that marijuana gave. After smoking marijuana for a long time, it was inevitable that I fall to cigarettes as my access to weed became limited.
At first it was a means to extend the high I got from smoking weed then it became a replacement for weed but now it is just a nameless need that I have no control over. Among the other demons that bedevil my life, smoking is the least obvious and the most nefarious.
I have been cutting off my friends or former friends as I move away from the drama and razzmatazz that they bring. I wish I could take such actions on smoking but I can't as I have come to realise through tears of trying.
I picked my first cigarette in 2000 and I have battled for 18 plus years to break free. I have, as I sit here smoked some and I will smoke more before I am done. You think you know me? You don't.