I found that wandering around the woods is one of the best activities to get “before” me and “after” me to go away so I can be Real me. Putting one foot in front of the other is a literal manifestation of my figurative “having no idea where I am going”-ism. Not all those that wander are lost, but sometimes I end up wandering farther then I meant to because I was actually lost.
I was trying to explain recently my ups and downs and mentioned it was pushups for my brain and I was pretty sure I had hit my max and was becoming worn out. Funny when it’s squats or regular pushups everyone is all like “that’s great” and “You’re so healthy” but when it’s your brain everyone stares at you like you have a llama running around your yard, and then you have to explain it’s not a llama it’s an emu, which isn’t even close to the same thing, and now I look like a douche for being judgey about the other persons lack of knowledge on barnyard animals. I live in an apartment but I use to live on a farm and the emu story is not just weird, it’s actually true.
The pendulum that is my moody (all be it pectorially amazing) brain can be draining…on me and the people around me I am sure. Even my dog, Mook, looks a little irritated at times. I think he figures if I’m going to be depressed I should just lie down on the couch and snuggle him like a normal person.
Alas I fight it with all my might and try to bring my pendulum into a more comforting “babies first time on a swing” kind of rhythm. It seems to be in that “I am swinging too high and now I am getting that weird dip in the swing and I know I am just a little bit from flying off and not actually doing a flip from the swing that looks cool but falling down and ending up on a video in social media” swing. I’m not content to be sad or overly happy. I am seeking comfy swings that leave my quirky personality intact but don’t make me end up in crying fits hiding in a bathroom stall. At the same time trying to not shame myself for feeling how I do in any moment. Trying to remember I am the “Warrior Goddess” Heather AshAmara has taught me to be.