Rather Wait for Something Better... - This being in my thinking - Not realizing and understanding my tendency to judge things as less than - Not realizing my tendency to be dismissive - Not realizing my tendency to exclude - Not realizing and understanding my tendency to settle for "less" now, in hopes of "more" later. Within this, creating a sort of, Survival tendency towards much isolation - Not realizing my tendency to keep myself on the outside looking in - Not realizing how I've been excluding myself from living my best life - Not realizing this desire as an energetic thirst within a play out of "less than" versus more than. Not realizing the consequence of me and my Life here....Settling for less living now in hopes for more living later.
That's a hopefully hopeless way to live.
Caught in between an internal meets external purgatory of la la land.
How can you really be "more" or "less" Living?
You Can't....
You're living or you're not.
Gulp.
Does a dog be more or less of a dog than a dog?
No, of course not!
The thinking, Rather wait for something better, came to mind today as like this undercurrent narrative I've been carrying within myself for years.
I decided to write it down as my way of minding my gold so to speak - by going deeper into the point with writing...my own form of intimacy as in to me I see. I quite enjoy this structure that I give to myself and my writing by having a focus of investigation. I am my own detective.
I see elements of both patience and procrastination here.
The patience unfortunately has been less than admirable from the perspective that I've mostly only utilized my best patience when it's suited me....specifically what I mean here is - my desire in some way - where there's like an obsession. It's like ok I am willing to wait for a bigger...better pay out. If I will benefit from non action than non action it is.
Patience is a most valuable skill to yield at your will. I'm seeing I've somewhat been careless with my patience - from an investor perspective it's like being reckless with the care taking and management of my best investments. What is more important from an investment perspective than yourself - Nothing. What is equally important is everyone...everything else.
I see that I've been quite underdeveloped in my patience to investigate my thinking. I mean I have to an extent...but mostly not totally - because it's all the subtle shit I've let slide. Not realizing the extent to which the subtle becomes the not so subtle as it grows and expands as the point is fed with small bits of attention over time.
The procrastination being - not to bother with something unless it's totally fucked. I mean I've had a real propensity towards procrastination as like, ya ya I will do that later....I got this new thought that I've boarded as like a new train and trance that's engaging me in this sort of go through the motions dance...and it's a possession of sorts only I'm in the trance of the dance and I can't discern from within and without because I've been a raver of sorts - fiending for some sort of techno trance - not realizing my mind as the very softwaring dj to my get up to get down.
This line written above:
The patience unfortunately has been less than admirable from the perspective that I've mostly only utilized my best patience when it's suited me...
Suited Me?
More like a personality suit. This is a distinction here - because I caught this point as like, wait a second here - it's like my desire and indulgence is always for "me"...but at the same time I am looking at my own neglect. So how has my very neglect been in the service of me? It's like I've been taking care of my "urges" and "impulses" that which aligns with "euphoria" in some way - so it's like I've created a mind thinking algorithm which feeds my urges as that which I react to most - and being a deceptive fucker...it's like tweaking the thinking to remain the kid in the candy shop...like you're the only player in your game and in your game it's about collecting all the shit that you want.
Seeking enlightenment through the attainment of desire.....wanting to get lit up. Get lit.
Wow.....
Lame.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having a subtle reaction to the writing of my words above - in looking through my words here - having the thought: I don't know if I should post this....this might not make me look so good...people might think I am weaker than I am. I realize it's absolutely ridiculous to live my life according to what other people might or might not think. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self-govern myself in accordance to what others might possibly think about me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding my propensity towards my own indulgences of mind, stemming from these very subtle moments that I indulge throughout my day. I realize it's my personal responsibility to care for my thoughts, words and deeds. I commit myself to taking the best care of my thoughts, words and deeds.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exclude myself from within my thinking - where it's like I am the outsider in my own life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for excluding myself from relationships...and for dropping out of relationships as time progresses because I never really totally included myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the postponement within "rather wait for something better". I realize this has been a point of "convenience" from the perspective that in mind "justification" logically makes sense as I am just being 'patient' and virtuous.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for resisting the patience to look into the knitty gritty of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-conscious about writing and journaling my life stories in public. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be almost conditioned to 'shut up' and just 'keep quiet'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for being a trance raver within my own mind - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize and understand the extent to which I've been under the influence of subtle undercurrents that influence my ability to give my best response. I realize and understand that I am responsible for all my unconscious undercurrents.
I realize that it's not to make 'desire' into this 'bad' and 'wrong' thing - I realize it's about my self-honesty - in being clear with myself. To be honest about the subtle and not so subtle bits of myself here.
I commit myself to investigating the scope of my mind, body and being here.
I commit myself to continue making notes of my thoughts and experiences that pop up very subtly and quickly in moments throughout my day. I commit myself to utilizing these moments to go deeper within my writing's.
When and as I see myself going into the thinking pattern of "rather wait for something better", I stop and breathe - I source the point in question - I let go of any energies in question - I realize that I am capable and able to direct myself in the most subtle and casual of moments. I realize that I can really work on myself on a daily basis in a way where it's like I never know what I will discover about myself. I commit myself to my very best regards.
To Be Continued
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