My wife and I were recently discussing the "weight of the past": aspects of the past that weigh on the present. Our life on the homestead certainly provides ample time for thought, and introspection: perhaps too much, some days! Secretly, we both spent too much time thinking about the past. We realized that we were holding onto things that are gone.
Our movement to a homestead existence was quite shocking to both of us, in the sense that we lost contact with pretty much all the people we knew. For a variety of reasons, the majority of the people that meant something to us are absent, in one way or another .. too busy with life, too tied up with their immediate realities to spend any time keeping in contact. Our "old world people" are GONE, more or less. Many people who I considered dear friends cannot be bothered to do anything whatsoever to maintain contact. It's been rather sobering to learn that these friends of mine were actually more "fair weather associates of convenience" than friends. My wife experienced similar things; a lot of the people she saw as "unofficial sisters" have precisely zero time for her.
For a good long while, this really weighed on us both .. we never talked about it, but it was there. We recently DID have a discussion about it all, and our conclusion was, pretty much, "enough is enough."
Both of us are fairly exhausted at trying to maintain relationships with people who have no time (or interest?) in doing the same. Perhaps we are, unknowingly, gigantic assholes. Maybe our off grid lifestyle (and corresponding beliefs) are off-putting to people. Maybe people are bitter that we up and said "fuck it, we're stepping out of line and doing what feel we need to do." Whatever the reason, the conclusion is clear: the old reality is dead, and a new one is here.
Our problem in "letting go" was emotional: refusing to integrate the extent to which our reality has changed. I guess you can only stare at the writing on the wall for so long, before you force yourself to read it! I think reality has finally fully dawned on both of us, and it has been very liberating. It took years for this to happen, but I think we're finally there. We've recognized the futility of it all.
We made a number of roundabout observations and conclusions about this process.
What you WANT has no bearing on WHAT IS.
Personally suffering due to the gap between "what is" and "what you want" is, ultimately a choice, and from experience, it is not a good one. No matter how much you stare at reality and wish it would change, it probably won't. Feeling miserable about this helps no one.
It took us far too long to realize what was obvious: our old world is gone, the people that were in it are absent, and our new world is what we should be focused on.
You really can't know how real your friendships are until they are tested. Truly, both of us have examples of people we would have sworn would have walked through hell with us. In reality, if it's not 100% convenient and simple, they can't be bothered with us, at all!
My father passed away not too many years ago, and in a weak moment, I called a friend for support. Now, this might not sound like much, but to me, it is huge: I literally think it is the only time I have made a call for emotional support, EVER, in my entire adult life. I am the OPPOSITE of someone who needs that on a regular basis and frankly see it as rather weak to need constant support from others. So, me picking up the phone was quite out of character. This one time though, I decided to allow myself the weakness. I thought "Yeah, it would be really, really quite nice to hear a friendly voice on the phone."
So, I called a friend. We were not more than a minute into the conversation (I'd barely said "my dad just died right in front of me.") and it was made fairly clear to me that the person did not have time for the conversation. His voice was the verbal equivalent of a foot tapping on the floor.. "Let's hurry up and get this over with." He had business to attend to.
I ended the call quickly, resolved never to make a "moment of weakness" phone call again.
Now, I don't know about you, but if someone ever called me and said "My dad just died", I would drop absolutely everything I was doing to give that person whatever emotional support I could: to experience the exact opposite was very sobering. The mathematics on that friendship looked instantly very different.
These are not happy life realizations, but at least for us, accepting them has made a difference in our overall happiness and enjoyment of life. Our thoughts of the past are absolutely waning, and our emphasis is on the present: the reality in front of us, today and tomorrow: not yesterday. Though we would still extend a hand of friendship to all of these people who are completely missing in action, we're not crying over their absence. It's just, life. It's the way it is. Perhaps in the future, this will change: but we're not waiting for it, we're not feeling badly about it, and .. it just it.
It just is.
For those of you struggling with "memories of the past", things you can't let go of: take heart. It does get better. Time alone can heal a great many wounds, as can the realization that absolutely no one benefits from you having a heavy heart. It won't change the past and it won't help the future. The only thing it will do is make you feel badly. All you can do is focus on the present, and do your best to change the things you can. How does the old saying go?
“Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Good luck out there everyone, and remember: you can think about the past and dream about the future, but the ONLY thing you will ever live in is the present. There is no tomorrow. Yesterday is gone.
The only thing you can ever live in is THE NOW.
Photo Credits
https://pixabay.com/en/farewell-say-goodbye-bye-road-3258939/
https://pixabay.com/en/sisters-summer-child-girls-931151/
https://pixabay.com/en/say-goodbye-old-man-man-away-2890801/
https://pixabay.com/en/barley-field-wheat-harvest-sunrise-1684052/
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