Weird but real...
I was 14 when I first cutted my skin.
I was at a friend house and she was cutting herself with her private razor. It was under the pillow and I still remember its color and its shape.
It was strange. I felt I wanted to try.
I did.
Two cuts. Right near my hand. I didn't bleed out a lot, since they were little ones, but it felt good.
It felt good because that period was a shitty one for me. I felt depressed, alone.
So I continued.
Again.
Again.
Again.
From 14 to 15 years old...
... I almost never stopped cutting and self-harming.
My skin was constatly bleeding out. I had scars on my shoulders, feet, and a lot on my legs.
They were both deep and smooth ones, but they didn't hurt me after all. I got used to it. It was my "attitude" - a normal behavior.
But then a friend got worried
I can't avoid to say that: I always had beatiful friends near me.
And one of them got worried that time.
He asked me what was going on, why I was so depressed and why my feelings were being hidden under a deep deep black hole.
I tried to scrap the surface, and I failed. Many times. He and my friends tried to help me, but I continued to fail.
I had relationships in the meantime. I had therapy. I had friends, school, good time... but it wasn't enough. I still felt needed about that razor.
It was my anchor and it was in my thoughts all along.
I was constantly thinking about the next time I would have felt bad. "I will cut myself again"
"I will cut myself again"
"I will cut myself again".
I also didn't like my body
I never had excuses about being cute either. Since I never felt good about my body. I see myself fat and with a lot of belly (even if, especially at that time, it was false).
So I didn't feel bad. I never felt bad for my body.
But I felt bad for my friend.
So I started to see and analyze that voice. That "Cut - cut - cut" voice. I wanted to stop her. It was my demon inside.
Then, the 100 cuts
It didn't go well.
I still remember the night when I pulled the razor over 70+ times on my skin. I wasn't able to move properly afterwards and I crawled into the kitchen with my worried cat.
It was hard to walk and run those days.
I still remember the pain and the extreme hard time talking to people about "not cutting": because in public I always am against cutting.
And the turning point
Then I had a turning point.
I decided to stop. I also had found a relationship, so I was happy with my life and I was comfortable leaving my razor in the armchair.
I wrote an article about self-harming and it got viewed.
I was happy.
But then I said the wrong thing "I will never cut again unless he break up with me".
He did.
30th September 2015
I cutted.
Again.
After months. Because it wasn't a real stop - it was a conditional stop.
"IF".
That if is a condition and you can't decide to hurt yourself or to love yourself based on a condition.
After that day, my life got shitty and I got depressed again.
Until I decided to give myself another chance to meet the right guy.
And I did.
But I also understood that I love something about myself. That there's value inside of me and inside of my own decisions and relationships.
So I decided to stop cutting.
And, gradually, I started seeing better ways to deal with problems. And I saw them clearly that time.
Honesty.
Trust.
Friendship.
Relationship.
LOVE.
They're not meaningless words
They're important and they're the road to get out of negativity.
To understand life has more to do with beauty.
And that was helpful for me too. Because I stopped. I never thought about that solution being real again, so I didn't cut myself since then.
It's been one year
I'm writing this article because I haven't cut myself since that day.
Now I'm mature enough to understand what's right and what's wrong when solving problems and my life is happy and fine.
I'm glad I decided to don't go further with the depts. My 14th me was like "I'll be happy one day. I won't ruin my future me".
And I'm glad I thought about it.
Because now I'm the future me.
I'm the guy that use the razor to shave.
I'm the happy guy with the best boyfriend on earth and an army of good friends willing to help in needs. But also not in needs - they're friend!
And I wanted to share that. You deserve to be happy
If you read till here... congrats.
Just the last sentence: everyone is different. But we all can understand the basics of human relationships.
And they're all awesome.
See ya!
NB: images are free courtesy of Pixabay. If you want one of them, just send a comment and I'll give you the link.