Hi Steemians
I was riding with a teenager student driver this weekend and we had a teachable moment about forgiveness which I wish to share.
The situation:
The teenager was driving and I am riding quietly in the front seat. We are stopped at a Stop sign and my teenager is counting to three after stopping as she was instructed in her drivers education class. This appears to have irritated the driver of the car behind us. He sounds his horn loudly and rapidly. Then as we start driving away from the stop he accelerated and passes us on a quiet but narrow residential street. I instruct my teenager to signal and pull over to let this person by. He speeds past us, and then we continue on our drive.
The aftermath:
My teenager is now frustrated, angry and a bit confused as to why this “adult” was blowing their horn and shaking their fist over a three second stop at a stoplight. The teenager is working through all her emotions and eventually she embraces anger towards this person which starts to ruin the mood of our pleasant Sunday drive.
The conversation:
I sense a teachable moment and ask my teenager “How did this person make you feel?”
My teenager replied: “I was surprised, confused, afraid and then angry, very angry. “
Why angry I asked?
“Because he was acting like I was doing something wrong, when I was just following the rules.”
My teenager also verbalized how her anger has now made it difficult to concentrate on driving and enjoying the fun of driving.
The discussion:
I told my teenager that her feelings were normal. The other drivers behavior was abnormal, also wrong and a bit foolish.
But I explained that life is full of these situations, so we must learn to deal with them effectively.
I explained that although her anger was justified it could be destructive if it made her act like the driver or counterproductive, if it ruined her mood for the rest of the day. I explained that perhaps she could learn to look at the situation differently, so she would feel differently afterwards in the future.
I asked her to think about her bad feelings about this person and how those feelings are ruining her day. I asked her to consider the value of thinking about what happened differently.
I suggested that instead of focusing on fear and anger, what if we transition to empathy and forgiveness. The teenager looked at me like I was crazy.
More enlightening conversation:
I then said, what if that person was in a hurry for a really good reason, like their wife was having a baby or their child had a bad accident and they were rushing to the hospital ?
My teenager said: “Well then I would feel sorry for them, and not be so angry”.
So I said “So if you knew it was for a good reason and that person wasn’t just being rude and mean you would feel better?
My teenager replied: “Well I would still be angry at first, but after I found out that they aren’t angry because of me I would feel better.
I said “You would let go of your anger?”
My teenager replied: “ Of course, I would feel sorry for them, not angry, I would feel okay.”
I then said, “So under those circumstances you would go from surprised and angry, to feeling sorry for them, dismiss your anger and soon you would be happy again?
My teenager said; “Yes I would be happy again in a few minutes, instead of sad and angry like I am now.”
The Lesson:
I then explained that our reactions to life’s situation are part reflex, something which happens without thinking and part learned behavior. We behave the way we have learned to behave. We often mirror the behavior of our parents when we are young and then the behavior of our friends as we become teenagers and young adults. The trick is to shape our reflex’s and shape our behavior to be adaptive and advantageous instead of reactive and detrimental.
We could choose to assume that the person is just mean and rude to us personally or we could choose to assume that they are in a rush for a good reason. Then we shape our response to be one which transitions rapidly from surprise and anger to one of empathy and sympathy, then we let go of our anger and then hopefully, we return to our happy day. This is a form of forgivenesses.
Lastly, we realize that this forgiveness is not for the benefit of the person who was rude or in a hurry, the person who benefits from our forgiveness is for us. We benefit because we feel empathy not fear, we feel sympathy not anger, and after we feel these two emotions we can more easily go back to feeling happy and enjoying our day. Anger is such a strong negative emotion that it’s hard to go back to being happy.
In reality we don’t really know why the person was rude or mean to us, but we can chose to decide that it has more to do with them then with us. We make this choice to make it easier to transition from anger back to happiness. This is a choice to help us, not them, and it is a choice that allows us to stay in control of our emotions not the other person.
This is sometimes called emotional mastery. It means we choose to practice controlling our emotions to help us lead happier, fuller lives.
This requires conscious thought to think this way and practice it, but I feel it’s worth it.
Thanks for reading.
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