What I wanted to say. A few words, mostly for myself, about how my teenage nihilism and thirst for freedom evolved and where it’s led me.
Unfortunately, not by my own will, I came to the conclusion that the only freedom available to us humans is the freedom within limitations.
In my philosophical musings, I tried to imagine some kind of controlled madness, because for me, freedom was in doubting that green is green and why it’s even a color, and who decided that for me?
But all of that is unattainable, very vague, and meta-ironic, while life needs to be lived here and now, turning this goo of existence into something. Most people choose Ayn Rand, but Kant’s option is more appealing to me.
A healthy, yet childishly naive egocentrism—I don’t like that. It’s all too illogical and silly. Plus, I never wanted golden batons—it’s much more fun to stand at the edge of eternity and do something cool.
It’s much more pleasant and simpler not to drink Coca-Cola, knowing that my body will become stronger by my own will, and by getting up earlier, I will grow stronger, and my willpower will soar to the skies like the potency of a 16-year-old little kid.
I used to reject any restrictions and boundaries, but now I build barriers and systems myself. It’s pleasant to limit myself. I find great satisfaction in creating schedules and doing things by the clock because it’s the stability my wandering mind so desperately needs.
My mom used to tell me to ground myself, but I thought that doing so would dull my sharp intuition and my ability to “feel”/grasp the essence of things. But as it turned out, no. Everything has become much sharper and more interesting, without the distracting blur.
I’m still far from my mini-world of controlled madness; these are just small habits being gradually and not so successfully integrated every day. But adulthood has given me a bitter yet valuable lesson—it’s better to progress little by little and systematically each day than to go on a 12-hour night rush.
And that is freedom: boring, but cozy, fun on the inside, and slightly cold-gray on the outside.
Same food, a clear schedule, mundane tasks strictly according to the plan, and on specific designated days.
In the past, such thoughts would have made me nauseous, but now they remind me of the painting "Ash" from the last DLC of Dark Souls 3.
And all this constancy I strive for is for the sake of new endless horizons of freedom within.
