I don't remember eating razor blades..

If there's one thing I despise more than anything else it's getting sick..

I don't remember eating razor blades or broken shards of glass however it's apparent that I must have done at some stage as there's no other logical explanation for what feels like the mother of all internal throat abrasions..

Either that or someone shoved a sandblasting nozzle in my gaping maw while in the deepest of sleeps, maybe it was the new girlfriend who stayed over on the weekend although I think not as her disposition is way too polite for such vitriolic actions ( at this stage ).. That being said a lack of sleep from a snoring partner can certainly drive even the nicest of us to acts of desperation..

I've gargled salt water, fresh water, water infused with Apple Cider Vinegar, Listerine and just hacked up gobs of phlegm that surely must be my internals melting down to create such masses of goop.. The only thing that seems to assist with removing the burn is high level doses of Milo with just a little bit of bovine excretion added for good measure..

However and regardless, even if the girlfriend did manage to inflict some sort of damage to my now shredded aesophagal tract I can't explain how she must have also managed to fill my inner ear cavity with some sort of sound damping, drunken sailor at sea wobbly leg enhancing fluid. Feeling like a new born gazelle at times this bit has me wondering where the last 40+ years of learning to be stable on my feet has gone.

This cursed bug that's somehow decided to convert my inner ear canal into a swimming pool has me wanting to pull out the DeWalt and the sharpest drill bit I can find and just shove that bastard right into my right ear canal and core it out allowing me to drain the fluid filled receptacle.. Seriously, it can't feel any worse that it does already can it?

After a visit to the local doctor ( for me a last ditch effort when the home remedies don't work ) and self administering double doses of the recommended 500mg capsules of Amoxycillin, liberal quantities of Nurofen and the girlfriends home made chicken and corn soup loaded with garlic and ginger. Which I might add is causing my face to involuntarily and spasmodically cringe whenever trying to swallow it past my shredded larynx, this bug has to be suffering defeat soon from my own waged jihad against it right?

War on terror, more like war on the terrible little bastards that have invaded my meat suit !!

I don't recall ever sleeping so much however it has also royally rooted my body clock, maybe this bug is some sort of host virus trying to turn me into a vampire? While not being a stranger to enjoying the hours of darkness I for one don't sleep through the day however this pesky little critter has also ruined that for me and as far as I'm concerned it can just piss off back to where it came from at any time it likes.

Bugs, they might be teeny tiny little bastards but they can make us feel incredibly bad, incredibly quickly. Maybe it's just us men and our apparent poor sufferance under the "man-flu" but three solid days in and I'm done with it!!

Anyone with any great advice as to how to expedite my health back would be very much appreciated.