For one minute I shut my eyes. A minute to scarcely remain myself. The body that I stood in, I detested. I had been trapped as a woman for 3 years now. I was no longer the man I was, I was now a woman.
That was not my mind now. That was my new body now. My new gender, my new gender. I was woman now, it was the only thing I knew. The only thing I had known for years. My mind was not male. I had no male self left. The voice was still male, the thoughts still male. But it was not me. I was now wholly female. I had always been a man. I was a man. Yet now I was a woman. No, I was a girl. I was a girl now. I had always been feminine. I knew that. I knew what I was. Just as my body knew, nothing would ever be the same again. I stood taller than I could remember. My shoulders wider too. I had lost weight too. I had to be a girl. Yet I knew it was no longer my body. It had been altered. I was a fish now, I had been in a tub of water. I was a fish.
I looked down at my body. How I hated it. How I hated it all. I had been a man. Yet not a man. What I was now, was what I had always wanted to be. I liked being a girl. I liked having a girl's body. Yet I was not happy to be in one. That was the contradiction. I had my girl's body, yet I was not a girl. And I had always wanted to be a girl. But always as a girl. Those years had been hard, yet I had endured. I was too weak to fight it. I had endured, knowing I was a woman. I wrongly expected it to end. But it would not. My punishment was never to be over. I had thought I could ignore it. Yet it was not. I was a male trapped forever.
I could never forget my fate. I had fought it, denied it so many times. I had fought that I was woman. I had fought it with every ounce of my being. I could not accept that I had been changed. I had always been a man. I knew I had. I felt it in my own body. Yet here I was, trapped as a woman. I remembered always hating to be female. I remembered long ago when I had been a girl. I hated it. I wanted to be a boy. I could not accept that I was not a boy. I hated my woman's body. I never wanted to have one. I hated the thought that I had one. Yet here I was, trapped in one. I could not even die and escape it. I did not want to be a woman. I did not want to be a girl. Yet here I was, stuck as a girl. I had been physically forced to accept it. Cloned inside a woman's body, I could not even die. In my dreams, I still had my man's body. I still had my body back. Yet it would never happen. I was trapped
I woke up.
I looked to my side from the little room we slept in. It was just after 9. I looked across the room at the girl sleeping on her side of the bed. I knew she was the girl I knew, I had the strange feeling coming from the two of us. I didn't care. I hated being a girl. I hated it. I hated my new gender, I hated it.
I knew I would fight it forever. I would never accept it. I remembered hating being a girl. I hated being a woman, to do what I was told, to be such a submissive male. I hated it. Yet I had no choice. I was stuck in this body. I was now too weak to fight it. I was always a woman now. I hated my body. I hated being a girl. I had always been a girl, but I never admitted it. I hated it, yet it was better to be a girl than a woman. I hated being a female. I hated it. What I hated most was the fact I was now male in mind. I hated how my body looked. I hated the way I did everything, I hated the way my body spoke. I hated the way I dressed. I hated the way I spoke. I hated the way I looked. I hated the way I walked, I hated the way I talked. I hated the way I ate. I hated the way I dressed. I hated the way I acted. I hated the way my body looked, I hated so many things. And especially, I hated the way my body was a girl. I hated it, I hated it all.
I hated it, yet I still obeyed every command. I did it all day, every single day. I was like an animal, following my master. I obeyed all the words of the feminine. I followed her every command.