I am officially stressed out. Stress makes me feel funny. It warpes me into this mentality that it won't work out, it's quite a destructive mindset. Whereas the last three months have been blissful and suprisingly productive because I had been feeling like I could do anything in the world. Anything. And I am sure people and other things are attracted to this positive, biofile vibe of being a creator.
I enjoy being cheeky. Getting away with things. It's about being on the positive side while walking the fine line of in/ability. Stress moves me to the other side. I am not myself when I am stressed. The other side means permanent doom. Being cheeky means a nice extra. A plus, a cherry on top of the already bangin cake. µ
I have been waking up to "omg I love my life" for the last few months.
I have been in this situation before: Sydney. 8 months of bliss - manic - I was suppose to stay for 5 and extended it to 8 months and eventually stayed for nearly 4 years in total. When I had made the decision to stay, I seemed to have better cards then I had toward the end of my stay. The decision seemed logical: I was 20, had nice fulltime job, was single and lived in one of the most beautiful places in the world. I decided to 'stay' cos I was in love with this honeymoon period, but like its name, its a period. Soon, I was married to my job, my salary, my rent and Sydney. I missed the Netherlands, but you can't go back to an abondent child. My visa was attached to my job, which was attached to rent cos Sydney is so fucking unaffordable (like London). I caught myself wishing I was free again - living at my parent's, listening to music, fantasizing about how cool life could be. There's something about having possibilities and the imagination that comes with it.
For years, I couldn't settle down in Europe. I had been in Antwerp for 3 years and it was like I was recovering from a really bad marriage. Everything tasted bland. I didn't have the energy to do anything. I tried to forget about Sydney, but it had changed me.
Then, London came, and I felt butterflies again. My energy came back, what is this hot new place? This city is flirting with me, and I am loving it.
But, do I want to commit? I made the mistake before - to listen to other people's opinions of what I should do with my life. I felt that I had never made the decision to stay in Sydney properly and I never made the decision to stay for that long - It just felt that there was no other alternative.
I want to stop fleeing from places. My movement should not be dictated by where it is the safest place for my body to move in. My movement should be one that is determined by my own will and desire.
That is how I am feeling at the moment. Surely I feel the stress from trying to keep the happiness, productivity and playfulness in my work, or looking for a job to cover my expenses in the next few months, or even moving places.
But its a mental challenge of not losing myself into commiting for the sake of commiting.
I will take matters of my life in my own hands.
I will take FULL responsibility of my fate.
I can control every aspect of my life.
I control my own life.
For those who cant read between the lines:
- I am considering extending my stay from February until at least end of my bachelors year, which is Summer 2018, because my tutor recommended me to the school.
- I got selected for presenting a work at the Tate in January
- Elias and Dex and the Kyra/PAQ camera crew came to my door and they gave me early santa gifts. I shouldve asked for a SELFIE cos no one believes me !!!
xx
Sam
