I have downloaded a dating app or dating apps
I have scrolled through my contact list to see who I can chat with
I have my phone on me at all times
I get excited when I hear that "ding! Let's see who texted me.."
and the list goes on...
Moving forward, some of my thought-provoking questions are:
Who taught us to feel lonely?
Is feeling lonely an indication that I am socially inadequate or simply a loser in life?
To get personal, I grew up with a sense of loneliness 24/7. I grew up without my family since I moved across the country and between different states. Since high school, I've been that chick who never wanted to be alone. I've made tons of mistakes seeking for love. I always had a somewhat serious boyfriend. It was hard to stay single. I didn't have any family members to tell how my day was at school. I sometimes felt uncared for. I came home to a quiet apartment or a house with hustling older roommates. So the moment I stepped into the house, I made it a habit to keep myself busy. That is why I always had a job not just to pay bills, but to feel worthy. I wanted my time to be used for something valuable.
I've been there. I've wanted someone to touch (let's not be too provocative) not only physically, but both emotionally and spiritually. And regardless of how lonely I was growing up, I've pushed people away. I can display some savage temper at times. I often don't hold my tongue. Maybe I'm not pleasant enough to keep thousands of acquaintances around me because I can be outspoken at times. Perhaps I'm way too difficult to socialize. See the point is, the loneliness scarred me. I have my baggage because of loneliness [and I feel no shame to verbalize it].
So is loneliness always a terrible thing? What can loneliness do to us?
So far, what I've learned is:
Loneliness can damage you, but It can build a unique personality and insights on relationships.
It makes you independent. You are less needy. You are less attached to others. You understand to set a healthy boundary with people. It helps you to avoid people without your best interest at heart. You can tell me more as well!
You are molded to be this type of individual not because you are born ready. Not because you are born with this ultra-strong independent mindset, it's because I've felt it in my bones; if there was an express train called "Ultimate Loneliness", It ran me over.
－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－
Ｈｅｒｅ ａｒｅ ｓｏｍｅ ｑｕｏｔｅｓ ｔｈａｔ
ｒｅｓｏｎａｔｅ ｗｉｔｈ ｍｅ：
“It's no good trying to get rid of your aloneness. You've got to stick to it all your life. Only at times, at times, the gap will be filled in. At times! But you have to wait for the times. Accept your own aloneness and stick to it, all your life. And then accept the times when the gap is filled in, when they come. But they've got to come. You can't force them.”
― D.H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley's Lover
“If you learn to really sit with loneliness and embrace it for the gift that it is…an opportunity to get to know YOU, to learn how strong you really are, to depend on no one but YOU for your happiness…you will realize that a little loneliness goes a LONG way in creating a richer, deeper, more vibrant and colorful YOU.”
― Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass
"Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is richness of self.”
― May Sarton
Sometimes, I feel like
"I have outgrown loneliness. I've evolved and transformed into solitude. I find comfort in solitude, but I find panic in loneliness."