I was going to see “Melancholia”, yes, yes the film Lars von Trier promoted in Cannes by declaring himself a “nazi” that “loves Hitler”. My friend Benjamin Weiss had promised to come and watch it with me, but as usual, he bailed out.
I had an expensive and flavorless pastrami sandwich at Canter’s Deli — that would make the New York, Katz’s pastrami sandwich look like filet mignon- and afterward I walked up Fairfax to the Silent Movie Theater ranting to myself how Benjamin always lets me down. There was a girl sitting on the floor in front of the theater texting on her iPhone. I guessed she was waiting for an event in that same theater. I bought my ticket at the booth and I kept walking up Fairfax till I heard “Stop him! He took my phone!” I turned back to the Silent Theater. A guy was taking the girl’s phone and running with it. She was running after him but out of the dozens of people in the street, grown men included, no one was doing anything about it, NO ONE.
I’ve always been a firm believer in the power of suggestion so I started running, not with the intention of catching anyone but so that other people who were closer to the robbery could be shamed into doing something about it. I started gaining speed, and no one in the street was moving, I began to run faster down the street, but nothing, not even a sound from the people watching. The thief cut a corner into an alley and the girl followed him.
I got to the alleyway. She had stopped running and looked back at me. It was the first time I really saw her, she was a beautiful half white half black girl tall with the most beautiful blue eyes now swamped in tears. “He went that way!” she said “I have to go pick up my bag that I left on the street!” and she walked back. I thought “Shit, my health insurance sucks and I don’t wanna die over an iPhone.” But I had run that far and I could run a bit more and then tell her I tried but I couldn’t get the guy.
So I kept running and got into a really bad neighborhood behind Fairfax. Slum would be an appropriate term for that in a different country, a place you would never imagine existed in that part of town. I ran through a patio like I was Vic Mackey on The Shield with Mexican people looking at me suspiciously from their balconies. When I got to the next street, the place was completely empty. Just when I was about to walk back, the robber climbed down a wall. “Shit!” I thought. I could see the headline “Portuguese dies in a showdown over iPhone!” He was black, seemed to be less than 18 and he had a crucifix on his chest hanging from a rope neck-less. I decided not to confront him, I looked away and said “That was not nice!” and he went “What?” and I repeated never looking him in the eye “Stealing the phone from that girl, that was not nice.” I extended my right hand to him and said “Give it back to me and this will remain between us. I promise not to call the cops.” Some seconds later he slammed the phone in my hand, I walked away shaking looking straight ahead as if he wasn’t even there “You did the right thing, this will remain between us.”
I got back to the girl, she gave me a big hug and asked me how I got the phone. I answered “You don’t want to know” figuring it might make me look tough, but I really didn’t want her to know how I got it because that robber of hers was a smart kid, and I don’t think she was ready for those words yet.
I saw ‘Melancholia” by myself, another public therapy session from my youth hero Lars von Trier. While I was seeing it I got this text message from an agent I was supposed to meet at CAA the day after. I needed to call the agent back but my phone ran out of battery, when I walked out I found Kalla (yes that’s the girl’s name) and said “You wanna make it up for the phone?” she looked at me fearfully thinking I was gonna ask her on a date or for a piece of underwear, but I said, “Could you lend me your phone so I can make a local call?” She breathed out. I called the agent from her friend’s phone and rescheduled the meeting.
