10 months ago today ended the worst week of my life. On September 9th I received a call that my kid brother had been in a terrible car accident. He had rolled his vehicle after avoiding rear ending a truck without tail lights early that morning. He was thrown from the vehicle and his only injury was his head. He never woke up from that moment. He spent 6 days in the ICU in a coma. The doctors told us right away that they had no hope for him. The night before the 15th, he went brain dead. I still can't believe it happened. It was without a doubt the most heartbreaking experience of my life. And because it had such an impact on me I am forever changed.
I cry at an instant. When I see something or hear about something sad, the tears just flow now. And no matter what the subject, my brain relates it all to Jonathan. It's as if I have learned a new level of sadness and now the sadness can take hold of me at any moment. I'm powerless to fight it. I even start crying uncontrollably after laughing too hard. Laughing too hard makes me tear up and suddenly all I can think of is the time that I cried for 6 days straight and I'm instantly on the verge of a breakdown. This troubles me. These feelings come on any time I don't distract myself. They're always in the back of my mind, waiting. I don't know if they'll ever fade or even become more manageable.
I miss my brother so much. My son is identical to him and sometimes I want to cry just from looking at my son too long. Jonathan was 12 years younger than me so I remember him as a child more than anything. Losing a sibling feels so unfair but losing someone you helped raise is even more so. He loved my kids. My son was his buddy and he always wanted to take him fishing and teach him how to do everything. I can't stand that he's gone and my kids can't either. I often wonder if I'll ever get to that place people talk about where it's just happy memories and feeling grateful that I knew him.
