You left us 2 years ago today and I remember it as clearly as my reflection in the mirror. I remember getting the phone call that changed my world...
It all started when they just couldn't help you anymore. This sweet, brave and gentle soul who spoke only with his eyes was suffering, and nobody could fix him. My heart was breaking, day by day, as I saw you slipping away. The decision was made that your quality of life had diminished so drastically that keeping you alive was purely and utterly selfish, so we had to let you go.
Breezyn's 1st day of first grade was a somber one as I settled him into his new classroom and made the drive to say my final goodbye. I drove over alone as I needed the time to prepare myself and to reflect on all of the beautiful memories we shared while growing up as big brother and baby sister. The minutes after they unplugged you were, by far, the most intense minutes of my life. You hadn't attempted to breathe on your own in days, so we were prepared to hold your hands as you transitioned from this world to the next. Well, you surprised us all when you started breathing on your own and that's when it got really hard for me.
Why did we have to let you go if you seemed to be holding on?
Unfortunately, it wasn't that simple but to me, all I saw was my big brother fighting to stay alive and I felt like we were giving up on you. It was hard to understand that although you seemed to be doing ok, that you were truly just too sick to fix. You were as close to death as it gets when they rushed you into emergency surgery just a few days before. I was sick over it. I had driven down as much as I possibly could over those 2 weeks you were in ICU and it still never felt like enough time. We were able to share some very precious moments together, just you and I, as I laid my head next to you and we listened to music. I talked to you and I squished and kissed your sweet little face right on the crease of your nose, just like I always had since we were little. All the wires and monitors made it hard to snuggle, but we made it work. I cherished and soaked in every single moment that you still had life left in you.
We decided that we would like to move you to a hospice room closer to home so you were transferred to Littleton Hospital for the remainder of your days. We spent every moment we could with you over those next 2 days. I'm gonna let you in on a litte secret if this is something you've never experienced: Sitting with someone and wondering whether every single breath they take is going to be their last, is absolutely gut wrenching.
I wanted to be there for you holding your hand when you left this world.
But it didn't happen that way and I still get angry about it. Just like how I sat there with daddy Bruce as he left us, I wanted you to feel my presence next to you as you started drifting from one world to the next. I never got the chance to say goodbye to our sister Erin before she was taken from us and wasn't about to have that happen again. I wanted you to find comfort in knowing that your little sister, your biggest fan and greatest admirer was right there with you, telling you it was ok to let go. But that didn't happen.
Breezyn and I had called that morning to check and see how you were doing and told mom we would be there soon. We ran to the store to get stuff to make smoothies and right as we pulled in to our driveway, Auntie Mary called and said to get there ASAP. In shock, in a hurry and completely chaotic I said "do I have time to make a smoothie?" Wow. I was just losing my mind. I threw my stuff inside the door and off we went to the hospital, 90 miles an hour. I HAD to get there. I NEEDED to be by your side. Cousin Sheila text me and told me she would meet me at the front door to get Breez and that I needed to book it to your room. As soon as I started running, I realized all of the doors were closed because the fire alarms had gone off so everything shut automatically. I didn't care, I ran. I ran like MY life depended on it. It felt like I was in a horrible movie because I was shaking, out of breath and my flip flops were flying off as I burst through all of the doors like Heaven was on the other side. Well, it was, for you. You had a pulse for about 4 seconds after I got to your room and that was it. You were gone. You were gone and I missed your last breath.
You looked more peaceful than I have ever seen you.
You were the most angelic being I had ever seen as you lay there breathless. I know that may sound crazy because you were gone and my heart was shattered but big brother you were FREE. You were glowing, you were relaxed and you were no longer going to suffer, ever again. I laid with you and I didn't even care that you were lifeless, I just wanted to be close to you. You were such a magical soul and my heart misses you more than words can ever say. Keep flying, keep running, keep laughing and now big brother, you can truly start living. I love you