I looked at my face in the mirror that reflected my tangled state. Not. Not my appearance, but my heart is no worse than a madman. The veil that wrapped my face was framed perfectly and perfectly suited to my oval face. Not to mention the white dress that wraps my body perfectly fit with my slim body.
But it did not make me happy at all. This match, this marriage, ah .. I never wanted it. And it's all out of my control. I have promised to obey what is good.
However, why should he? That's my first question. Is there no one other than him?
"Gazza is the best for you, nduk." Umi reply as I dodge from ummi decision.
"But, mi. Kaffa already knew him. He is a heartless person, will not be able to love a woman with sincerity, mi. "I say with a desperate almost.
"Huss, why ummi boy say like that? Remember, nduk. Inside the sea can be measured. But deep down who knows? He loves you, kaffa. She herself said that. "
"But why did not he go straight to kaffa ?! Why is he always kakit kaffa ?! "

I wiped a drop of water coming out of the tail of my eye considering all the words ummi, gazza, and all about the gazza. Yes, I've loved her. Very. But it's too late. The love has frozen like a rock that will never melt. The love has been lost by the hatred that is already embedded in my other heart.
He who has no heart to love a woman like me. He's been my neighbor for 3 years. He who is weak, who can not even defend himself whenever I am a tomboy hurt and fight him. Too weak.
And ironically, as he goes and goes back to his cabin and I find the knowledge in his lodge, he is not really a gazza I know. Gazza who is respected by his santri. The gazza is really cold, arrogant and forget me. That's what amazes me. And when I realized he could not love me who was far less perfect than him, the love was completely frozen and would not melt again.
And now? Be his wife? What a terrible tragedy for now and forever.
Maybe, I can pretend to love him. But to love and learn to love him, I do not think it will work before the love really comes sincerely from the heart.
I looked at every corner of the reception and found the gazza sitting in the seats. His eyes were cold, cynical and hateful. Cold?! God, I've been his wife yesterday, but he still looks at me like that? Really bad. I step very slowly toward the aisle seat beside her. Really, this is not happiness. Not love.
When I first sat down, right then I felt the gazza look at me in silence. But what do I care? I will not reply, anyway his view is not much different as I was still his santrinya.
But I do not know, I did not last long. Either push from where, suddenly with reflexes glanced towards him. And ... oh, he smiled! For the first time, of course. And I .. what's wrong with me? My heart .. stop beating! What? Stop beating? Since when have I ever tasted this ?!
enough already. I don't want made messed up again because effects smile. smile this afternoon just affectation-puraannya in front of the people. proof, after that he did not take me talk word word. after berwudlu, I went with heart messed up to room to pray Isha first. anyway, kaffa. why you worry like this? after all, he will not touch you. I open the door slowly. hopefully he had to sleep. shit. he is still a busy read the book. "heh, ugly. I love you, anyway. of the first instead." chirps Gazza. you know ?! what he said? love? from the first? how so? main selonong wrote, without further ado. face plain without sin anyway. I just gaping, don't know must what. "how? you love I right? we're already official. so not have to longer be shy." he added without waiting reaction. "how can ?!" luncurku. in the heart I only fooling self. it's statement stupid. Gazza frowned, "how can ?!" Gazza repeat my words, "emang wrong if I love the same you?" enough. she made my heart beating the second time. why he's so different from that I know?'s question the second. whether encouragement from which, degupan it turned into sulutan anger, "you mean what ?! I know you are gak like matchmaking this, Gus. but, what you think I like? absolutely not." I breathe, shortness in view of the incidence of first. I want to cry, now. alone with it made me messed up. "but, relax, Gus" tambahku, "I will not force you love me sincerely, because I also feel will not be able to love you too. so, need not pretend love me even stated the love of false that made me more pain." Yes greetings .. take a look at his face. he was just looking at me without expression. not know I middle talk serious housekeeping our own? I smiled wry. household ?! "what the hell are you say? made me confused." said Gazza with a smile width. Gazza pinch nose so hard, made me spontaneous surprised. but, I still feel lucky not ditamparnya. "auw! sick! clear, right wudluku!" I cried while hit arm Gazza. "add cancel you hit the arm, haha" I looked at him cold. "I know, you tuh chatty, but please don't hurt me cerewetmu it. origin you know, kaffa. love I said earlier true, none elements of the lie." Gazza pause, "i'm sorry about me leave kaffa when kaffa who love me, first. kaffa know? I love kaffa far first of kaffa, even when kaffa always take a fuss with me." Gazza closes his book, change looking at me, hard stare. that's when I know that which is read Gazza is one of the book karanganku. "I never said sentence beautiful it because I just want to keep prinsipku and keep kaffa. then, I just hope the future will be in addition to kaffa. now, though I was hard to believe, I could be here with kaffa," Gazza big smile. "if kaffa could not love me again, learn to love me, fa." "learn to love? I think not. because love advent heartfelt of the heart." I hold a smile, suddenly want to tease her. again he make sound of gulp jantugku firmer again for the third time, and anger it just disappear. Gazza reply big smile. shit, "but you don't have to learn how. I know you already love me since the reception this afternoon." okay. he wins. I lost, admit that my heart assimilated because smile that. Gazza rise, reached for me. for me? "come on, we pray. already a long time I was waiting for." I received a helping hand with without a look at it. I don't know, gengsiku too big for him. "not have to shame, times. I don't sediam that kaffa guess, anyway. I could be chatty of kaffa." Gazza smiling delinquent, "Oh Yes, kaffa not bales statement my love, you know." I just stunned. whether what I feel at this time. why he can know the contents of my heart? finished prayers, I really cry. him, the priest new family will kuarungi, present and future. correct word Umi, he is the best for me. he is now chanting prayers. I kissed his hands with takdzim, a long time. there who want to say, but feels insulated in throat. "just say what want you to say, kaffa. kaffa is what kaffa said." i'm ashamed. a kaffa ashamed. I breathe, "kaffa we want to take care of the cottage with," Gazza big smile to see me cry. "haha, Yes, Yes. of course." said Gazza. I smiled. I promised, since this time, I will serve and faithful to him. whatever happened. 4 months passed. and I was happy. with him, of course. with baby kukandung 3 months. and until now, there are many who said that Gazza very cold, "how do you to be his wife? 'but, what peduliku with them? Gazza is mine, and let me know who and how Gazza truth." the baby, the future will be a successor kepengasuhan cottage US. he will be a hero, haha .. like me. "joke Gazza when we will check kandunganku." who say? you weak. "I replied with laughter not over." haha .. kaffa very well. I weak, but can protect kaffa and our babies. haha .. you lose more, kaffa. "I manyun. well, I lost for the umpteenth time during argue with him." you have never been to prove it, "" someday kaffa will understand what the meaning protect. "said Gazza, this time serious." serious so. "I replied. Gazza not reply, he just stared, whatever." eh, bentar, ZA. I buy sugars that, Yes. wait here first. "I said and directly quick walk across the place pejual sugars it." kaffa ...! "suddenly Gazza calling me with as strong as his voice. what? haven't I merensponnya, I realized. suddenly well as the world seemed to the dark. black.
30 years later ..
I looked at a group of people outside who attended my husband's haul, gazza. Yes, today is exactly 30 years since the incident, the gazza that protected me from the ferocious car. Gazza is right, he is very strong. He can protect me and I understand what it means to protect as he says.
I stopped at a figure who became a substitute for gazza, my baby, alif. Look, gazza .. He's very similar to you.
I smile, like this love that still smile like the first smile that can melt my heart that makes me can not accept other love. Pure love.