You’ve started out on the right foot. Your magnetic profile, strong photos, and killer conversation starters have you exchanging messages with several beautiful women. The conversations are going great, and you’re pretty sure they’re into you.
It’s time to ask them out. But if you don’t know how to ask a girl out online, don’t be surprised when 2 out of 3 women suddenly disappear forever.
Here are some of our best tips on how to make sure she says, “Yes!”
When it comes to how to ask someone out online,
Realize that timing is EVERYTHING.
She’s not on OkCupid to find a new pen pal, she's seeking a relationship of some sort. So if you wait a long time to suggest a date, she'll probably lose interest and move on. But if you come on too strong, you'll scare her off.
Nailing that timing can be one of the most difficult aspects of meeting someone online. But once you understand when to ask her out, you’ll be in the driver's seat.
Our team of modern dating experts analyzed thousands of dating site conversations that resulted in dates for our male clients. After crunching the data, we learned the ideal time to ask for the date is after she’s sent you 2 or 3 messages.
So a successful messaging sequence looks like this:
You break the ice with a clever copy & paste message.
She responds.
You answer her message, share a detail or two about yourself, then end with a personalized question inspired by something she said in her response or profile text.
She responds again.
You respond to what she said and then ask her out for coffee or drinks.
Are there exceptions to this? Of course.
If you’re floating the majority of the conversation and her answers seem short, cautious or hesitant, you’ll want to keep the exchange going a little longer.
Get in her head with some Psych 101.
You are, after all, a total stranger. So for her to say yes to coffee or cocktails, she needs to feel comfortable meeting you in person. Researchers have invested thousands of hours into figuring out how and why some people just seem to “click.”
One theory is the Rule of Connectivity, which states: “The more we feel connected to, part of, liked by, or attracted to someone, the more persuasive they become.”
So basically, people simply feel more comfortable with other people who remind them of themselves. What’s similar is familiar and we take comfort in that.
You can make a woman feel comfortable with you by mimicking the style in which she communicates. In person you do this with body language, and online you can do it with your messaging style and word choice.
It's called “mirroring,” and it’s easier than you think.
Here’s how to do it:
Copy the way she opens her message when you respond. If she writes, “Hey, John”, greet her with “Hey, Linda”.
Mirror her message length. If she sends three sentences, you send about three sentences. If she only replies with a few words, keep your next message pretty concise as well.
If she’s using netspeak (LOL) and smileys, you probably should too. (Just don’t go overboard with it; 1-2 per message max.)
Recognize when she’s ready to meet you.
The trick is to pay attention to what, how much, and in what tone she’s writing.
If you’re lucky, a girl will send you a message that practically screams, “I’m into you.” In this situation, you can ask for the date more quickly.
But if you’re the type of the guy who needs a slap with a 2×4 to realize this hot girl really digs you, fear not – we’re about to break down the signs:
She sends you long(ish) messages. If you sent her a four-sentence message and she replies with something the same length or longer, she’s usually pretty interested and open to meeting.
She’s giving you !!!’s and ;)’s. Emoji and lols are the online equivalent of laughter, enthusiasm, and flirting, and you know what it means when a girl laughs at your jokes. She either wants to please you or thinks you’re funny.
She’s asking you questions. Curiosity is a good sign – she wants to know more about you.
Confidence is an attractive personality trait, and confident men ask women out.
Insecurity, on the other hand, isn’t sexy at all. Saying something like, “I know you probably don’t want to go out with a guy like me, but in case you do, I figured I would ask . . . blah blah blah” is a guaranteed way to send her running for the hills.
Keep it casual.
Suggesting a meet-up is far different than suggesting a date.
Yes, we all know it’s practically the same thing, but the word “date” sounds a lot scarier. You haven’t even met yet – how can you really even be going on a date? Plus, it’s a high-investment, emotionally charged word. “Meeting up” is more laid-back, casual, and safe.
The exception to this is when she's in her late 30s and up. She's likely more serious about finding a relationship, and wants to know the other person is as well. In that scenario, “date” is typically a better word to use because you want to sound a little more invested.
Always propose a low-investment activity like meeting at a coffee shop or bar. This puts less pressure on her. If things don’t go well, she’s only invested 30 minutes of her time. If you suggest dinner or a trip to the art museum, she’ll be thinking, “If I don’t like this guy, I’ll be stuck with him for hours!”
Give her a choice.
We tracked different variables related to hundreds of ‘ask for the date’ messages, and the data showed us that the acceptance rate doubles when you give her an option for the activity.
For example, we usually suggest meeting up for “coffee or drinks.” If you don’t drink alcohol and she’s not a girl in her 20s who probably thinks talking on the phone is weird, you could make the options “talking over the phone or meeting up for coffee.”
Whatever you do, never, ever only suggest drinks. When we did that, the meetup acceptance rate got cut in half.
Make statements she already agrees with.
You’ve heard the phrase “it’s not what you say but how you say it.” This definitely rings true when asking a woman out. Say something you KNOW she’ll agree with, because small yeses help lead up to the bigger yes.
Here are two examples:
“Let's get together for coffee or drinks sometime soon. Call me old-fashioned, but talking in person just seems like a MUCH better way to get to know someone than messaging online…what do you think?”
“You seem cool, but I've found it's difficult to predict chemistry until you meet someone in person. What are your plans for the weekend?”
What woman wouldn’t agree that talking in person is a better way to get to know someone than exchanging messages online? Or that it’s easier to predict chemistry in person than online?
Whatever you do, don’t just ask:
“Want to go on a date sometime?”
Stay in the driver’s seat.
Once she agrees to meet you, set a time and date. Don’t leave it completely open for her to choose when and where.
That puts a lot of pressure on her, and it also makes it looks like you’ll make yourself available for her whenever she wants. Plus, you’re the man and you should be taking control. That’s way more attractive.
When you can do is suggest an evening option one day and an afternoon option another. For example: “Perfect, how about Thursday evening or Saturday afternoon?” This makes it easier for her to decide, and it hints that you’re a pretty busy guy, so time with you seems more valuable.
Keep these messages short. She already said yes, and you want to keep her attention focused on meeting up.
Anything else can be discussed in person, and it’s not the time to say ridiculous things to make her laugh. Why take any unnecessary risks right as the deal’s about to close?
Finally, give her your phone number and suggest she sends hers “in case something last-minute comes up” on either end.