I will be writing this over the next few days
They say when you write, address your writing to an audience. It will help you focus the narrative of your words to address the type of reader, their background and understanding. This letter has many, and yet a few audience members. I write this letter to each of the feelings in my heart, a wide spectrum of temperaments to say the least, and so I don’t forget. I write this letter to my son he might understand one day the loss, and grief of my heart and to not follow my mistakes. I write this to the deceased wife I once loved so deeply I would have done anything for her.
While I say my deceased wife the physical person known as my wife still lives but her spirit is dead and gone. A thought I have had many times, and mathematicians, physics and philosophers have long contemplated which at each decision in our lives a universe of nearly infinite values has split at each time a decision has occurred. I take this much farther than that can it not be argued that by any true randomness in the universe there is a split of all universes based on that occurrence, however in humans that split occurs at every thought. The result of this split is that at that very moment we are not the person we were before. This means at each though, action or deed we actually kill the existence our old being and a new one is born infinitely. And so with this thought in place my wife has progressed down a path of infinite decisions to which she doesn’t exist as the person I know. This has been more telling in the past few weeks than ever before in our marriage.
As an aside I do believe the number of universes created by women’s thoughts, decisions, and actions are a 100x greater than that of a man. Women are the the most complex being in the universe, at least in my experience.
So where to begin this story. My elaboration on a most complex story that truly is stranger than any possible story conceptualized in the mind of any author living or dead, yet is so simple in concept if devoid of emotion and context would be nearly one dimensional.
In 2013 I had been working too many hours, and had decided to start focusing on my life outside of work. I started hitting the gym, reading, and had returned to other passions like photography, and travel. I had started up an account on a dating website because most of my friends were married and their networks were also married. Being LDS in an area where there were not a lot of singles who frankly were not very desirable I knew that I needed to expand to areas outside of my local area to find any LDS women of interest. It was during this period of time that I met two women once in Utah and one in Nevada. The Utah girl was down to earth, fun, was very attractive, and was a social worker, she was eagerly returning my attentions. I thought no thanks my mother was a social worker I did not need that kind of energy in my home.
I admire people who help others all day, but I had seen how extreme behaviors of others can cause Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and have negative impacts on the family. This goes for anyone working in these fields. They pretend like they are immune, but it eventually cracks you despite your desire to do right by everyone.
The second woman a divorcee with two little girls, and the woman with whom I would fall deeply in love. Unfortunately that love came too prematurely. I have often said that falling in love can just happen as long as you let it, and to this day I still believe that. Open your heart and it just happens. A true marriage and relationship requires that ingredient to survive the pitfalls of life. And both Becky and I had those hearts open. It would only be a few months later that Becky was pregnant. The night we conceived my son it was not just in pure lust, but I already knew I loved this woman and she was someone special and so he was conceived in our love. After that moment I never wanted to be separated from that women again. Her heartbeat was in sync with mine and hope was eternal and perhaps a folly in practice.