Some already know that I am a fully Licensed Professional Counselor in North Carolina. At my job, if a people come in with relationship issues, the other counselors usually refer those people to me. I love helping people overcome issues caused by relationship dysfunction.
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I find in everyday life a group of people who believe they are incompatible and find themselves in short term relationships over and over again. These people desire longer term monogamy, but are unable to find it. Here is my list of 8 things that I've seen people do wrong to shorten the life of their relationships:
1. Repetitively Dating The Same Type
Let's face it, most people have a certain type. Some even get a thrill of dating the typical "bad boy" or "bad girl." I get it, it's exhilarating and sweeps you up like a whirlwind, but you are left in pieces of debris just like a bad storm. Your type may not be the best suited candidate for a long term relationship. Don't be afraid to change it up and date someone you would normally overlook.
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2. Alter Your List Of Expectations
I have heard some crazy lists of expectations. Here are some common list of expectations that people have for a spouse, such as:
"They must make at least $90,000 per year"
"They must take pride in their bodies"
"They must not have any children"
" They must be good in bed"
"Never been married before"
The list could go on. It's okay to have a list of absolutes, but I hardly hear lists that have values for a mate worth a long term relationship. If someone displays traits such as loyalty, dependability, truthfulness, and agreeableness, this person is more likely to make a better long term spouse than someone with $100,000 salary, who never had kids, or marriage because they are selfish and unable to commit. I'm not saying that all people who are unmarried and make decent money are selfish and afraid of commitment, but if your absolutes are traits that have nothing to do with a person's character, you may keep finding people who line up to your checklist, but don't line up for the job of being a life partner.
3. Stop Sharing Your Checklist With People You Date
Many people share with the people they date what they are looking for in a spouse. Let's be honest, there are people out there who date to get what they can out of another person! They are making mental notes of the things you say you want, pretending to be that person, so they can extort you out of things they want, such as sex, fancy dates, gifts, etc. Let things play out on their own, and see if people line up to your checklist naturally.
4. Bringing In Too Much Baggage Into A Relationship
To be taken seriously in a relationship, by someone who seriously wants a relationship, you have to tie up any loose ends that would make any normal person feel like bolting. This could be many things, financial debts, exes, family or friend related drama, etc. I've met many people who say they are still friends with exes. This is great if you want to be in a relationship with someone else who is friends with their exes, and I'm sure there are people out there who can have healthy relationships and still be friends with their exes, but to many people this is a scary or uncomfortable concept. There would have to be strong boundaries for this to work, but in reality most people starting a new relationship want a clean slate with no perceived imposing threats. If possible, make clean breaks from anything that could come off as baggage. Sometimes it's healthier for your own well-being, not just for the sake of a relationship. Obviously, we cannot always avoid dysfunctional family members, but we can decide how much energy we put into their drama, and distance ourselves from the dysfunction.
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5. Learn To Appreciate A Partner
Having another person to share your life with can be beneficial in so many ways such as companionship, monetarily, shared chores, and the skills of your partner (ability to fix things, knowledge on finance, etc.). It is easy to appreciate a partner in the beginning, but with time we can take our partners for granted, or start picking out faults. One of the worst things to do is to get to a point of belittling or devaluing your partner. I know as people, we hate stroking other's egos, but it is very important to make sure your partner feels appreciated and try to build them up, so they will do the same for you. If they aren't doing the same for you, that is their problem, not yours. We should always take on the role of trying to build people up, not cutting them down, and if you are with a person who doesn't follow that same philosophy this needs to be addressed, or they do not need to be in your life.
6. Deal With Your Own Issues Prior To Getting Involved
I meet people who may have negative tendencies such as being short-tempered, jealous, have trust issues, substance abuse issues, selfish, etc. If in all of your relationships people end up telling you over and over that you have a problem, you might have a problem that you need to work out. I'm not saying this to tear you down as a person, we've all had things we needed to work on to become a better person. You may want to take some time to self-reflect and determine if there is some truth in what multiple people are telling you. Some people may be able to do this with no help, and some made need a counselor or therapist to be an unbiased source to help determine if there is truth in this, or if you are just surrounded by mentally abusive jerks. A counselor or therapist can also help you facilitate change and growth in yourself if there are any issues that need to be worked through, and in return this will help you to become healthier for a lasting relationship.
7. Communication Issues
Good partners want to be talked to like an adult. On one end of the spectrum, they do not want a pouting spouse who does the silent treatment. On the other end of the spectrum, they definitely do not want someone who embarrassingly screams at them in public or in front of their family/friends. Communication should be respectful and tactful, even when upset. A healthy relationship is one that you can privately discuss your problems in a tactful way that leads to a well compromised solution. Learn to assert yourself in a way that is still respectful and loving towards your spouse.
8. Staying In Unhealthy Relationships
This may sound contradictory to the entire post since it's about keeping relationships, but I promise there is a logical explanation. If a relationship is unhealthy, it is bound to fail even if it's years later. Many people don't know when to throw the cards in and fold on a relationship. This is holding you back from the opportunity to find a healthier relationship, and it usually is damaging towards you in some of the ways listed above. Unhealthy relationships can create emotional baggage, damage your confidence, and create some nasty habits like poor communication skills. If it's unhealthy, get out, recharge, love yourself, and find someone who will love you.
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