At the moment I am trembling. I don‘t feel good at all. Something happens to me, where all my personal tools don‘t work out.
There is nothing left but feeling alone and sad and lying in bed.
Crying is the only thing to relief it a little. I‘ve done that for hours during the last days.
You might wonder: „Oh my god, what happened to her?“ But that‘s seems to be not so important. It‘s just a relationship ending. Something everyone has already experienced. It‘s two and a half year. And now it seems, as if this was worth nothing.
It could also be something different. My grandma died two years ago.
I am still sometimes crying when there are situations, where I recognize: she should be here right now.
Then there is my father. He died when I was 16. That‘s almost 22 years ago. He had a brain tumor. And I literally watched him dying for three years as a young girl.
I was diagnosed post-traumatic stress disorder because of that a few years ago
I was already sure at this point, that this isn‘t the problem. I had to go a long a way to be sure, that I have the ADD. Now with my relationship ending, I also know, that I am a case of attachment disorder.
I only know it because I recognized it in him and his behaviour. And because we both are too much similar I also recognized it in me. It took me two and a half year to see it clear.
My boyfriend was the only one I was really open to in the last years. Connected through Imessage each day we shared every thought and every feeling. What more can you want from a relationship? We really were „one“. But we were not. It just seemed to be like this.
Now it‘s clear that we both want different things from life.
I was the one who had to realize this. He would have wanted me to stay. Until he finds his luck, where I don‘t fit in. He wants to be young. My life is too determined for him.
Can I really blame him?
He is attached to me so much and I to him. Though or because of that I have to let him go.
Noone watching this from the outside can ever understand, what happened. Was I a whore? By the way: I am married. I have three children. My family knows him. He already spent a couple of weekends here with my family.
It was much more than that. It still is. Letting him go with all my love is all I can do for him now. And all I can do for me and my family.
I want to open up to my husband now. This won‘t be easy. But he made all the way with a cold woman not daring to tell her true thoughts and feelings. And I alteady recognized, that he is much more interested in me than my boyfriend ever was. I just didn‘t give him a chance. I was too lost in my inner forest. And you don‘t have to tell me... I know now how much damage I made for nothing.
Please blame me for all of this shit.
I was so lost in the forest. All I ever wanted was feeling at home.
Without being yourself, there is no feeling of being at home. Please don‘t follow me. Do it better. Or when you get lost in the forest... always remember there are many people who also got lost and found out of it. Stranger things happened than those that happened to me.
I just will cry and open up. And live on. And do the next day. And the next days will be hard. But I managed harder things. I can’t imagine a harder task than taking a look in the own mirror. But I will survive. I have to give love now.
To people who deserve it.
