When I think of you, and it is often, I still feel that burn of anticipation. The bud of love that would never blossom. A rose that could never open.
Two people who met in a storm. We took shelter together; we offered warmth without necessarily offering ourselves. Too bruised. Too confused. Too scared to let the other in? Both of our hands holding keys, but never turning the lock.
Your brown eyes. Your crazy mane of blonde-brown hair. You always wore a smile that was mingled sadness and mirth. We laughed most of the time, though, you and I. We found humor in most everything, most often in each other. But those moments always ended the same way, didn't they? A long look. A deep gaze. And then we'd turn away.
We were so close to falling in love. It was right there in front of us, but we always looked away.
One of the best moments of my life was with you. Magical. At the amusement park. Do you remember?
We were waiting in the long line for the roller coaster. We were all twisted up in the wooden corral waiting an indeterminable time for our chance to ride. It was high summer and the heat was almost unbearable. Standing in line, miserable, waiting for an hour for our three minutes of fun. Isn't that some sort of metaphor for life?
The water mister was spitting out an insignificant spray of relief. The speakers, old-fashioned horns that looked like air raid sirens, blasting out pop music of the day just a little too loudly. The jumble of people, close confines. The slow, shuffled steps forward every few minutes that whispered hope and screamed torment.
And then the stars aligned. Was it you that began it all? It had to be. You were the actress. I wasn't that brave, but I would follow you. And I did.
Mariah Carey. Boyz II Men. One Sweet Day. It started to play through those rusty speakers. We all shuffled forward a miserable step. And then you started to sing. Softly, at first.
You were a good actress, but you were a better singer. Your mouth opened and your sweet voice tumbled out. People close to us glanced nervously. They tried to ignore you at first, but they had to look. Something about you demanded their attention. And they complied. Awkward smiles, embarrassment and approval. Like they had caught us in a kiss. But there was only ever one kiss between us, wasn't there? And it wasn't this day.
You sang. You were smirking. A moment of panic as I realized what you expected of me. You were playing your part but this was not a solo performance. I recall, very clearly, looking down at my feet, a moment of contemplation, fear, and amusement. Your hand rose up to rest on my shoulder. And when I looked up, there were those beautiful brown eyes pleading with mine while you sang that song. In that moment everything else fell away. It was just you and I.
And then I began to sing.
It was the first duet portion of that song and you raised up your voice so that everyone in that snaking line could hear you. You seemed to challenge that damn speaker. I had to sing loudly to match your volume. I was a man that had waded into what I thought was shallow water only suddenly to find it chest deep. People stepped away from us. Confusion turning to acknowledgment.
Every eye was on you. I was a prop in your performance. You sang and performed. I sang and fell a thousand feet per second into nothingness. Into everything.
You smiled at me as you sang. A radiance, a power, a spell swirled around us. You acted out every word. Theatrical. I just sang. It's all I could do. You drew in every ounce of energy from that crowd and then cast it back out around us like a supernova blasts stardust across the universe. I fought just to maintain my balance. To remember the words.
As we reached the portion of the song where the duet reaches a crescendo, your voice rose louder still. A quick glance away and I could see a sizable crowd around us. Not just in the corral, but all around the street people stopped to watch. They were singing along. They were smiling. It was a show. And yet, you were performing for me, and me only. Your eyes were locked on mine the entire time and I could not look away. I held your gaze and I performed for you. You never looked away.
When the song ended, all around us people burst into applause. In your eyes I saw tears, and joy, and I thought I saw love. We just stood there, staring at each other. Seconds turning into eternity. It must have driven people crazy because they just kept clapping. Cheering. I had no idea what to do. A million thoughts racing by. Did you know what I was thinking?
These moments were the norm for us. It defined our relationship. We would stand on this precipice a hundred times and never fall over. We were a book that demanded to be written but the first word would not appear.
"Do you work for the park?" A woman next to us asked, her hands clutched together against her chest.
You laughed. Your laugh was starlight and I was a dark star. "Yes. Yes, we do," you lied. "And it's time for our break, right?" With that you grabbed my hand, ducked under the wooden railing, and led me out of line and out into the crowd.
A moment later we were standing in front of the Carousel. "Watch me, " you simply said, and boarded the roundabout. As the carousel began to turn, you selected a tired, old horse. The paint was chipped and the colors faded from years of use. The organ music fired up, and the horses rose and fell to the music. I stood and watched you, lost in a fairy tale.
As the carousel turned, you looked at me, turning your head as necessary to keep me in view. You laughed, throwing your head back like a child, your blonde-brown mane spilling back over your shoulders. The ride bore you away and then brought you back, but your smile was gone. In its place was an expression I didn't understand at the time, but that I will never forget.
It was sadness. Longing. Fear. Love. It was everything that defined us. It was everything that tortured us. When I think about you, I think about that moment the most. It is what I will forever associate with you and I. The impenetrable mist that separated us from everyone else. And each other.
That day at the park, though. That beautiful day. One Sweet Day.
