Stream of Consciousness = a flow of uncensored thoughts written down.
The value I hope to give you by posting this on the internet is to show you an intimate look inside the mind of another human being. It might show you that we’re all a little bit crazy and a little bit geniuses. It might bring you relief in the form of recognition, and it might bring you inspiration in the form of wonderful thoughts you have never heard before. It might also bring you laughter because sometimes my mind is just a ridiculous, funny mess!😉
This Stream of Consciousness (#13) specifically contains a lot on the topics of:
- Loving death
- Polyamory
- Chaning the past
- Other non-mainstream idea's
- Work or play?
Germany, 12-10-2016
I'm feeling a bit scattered. Feeling a lot of I-have-to's. I have to write some sort of follow-up post about Jordan and the grief. And I do have a desire to let people know that I'm doing great. Because honestly, sometimes it feels like other people have more pain for me, pity, than I have myself. I surrendered to love. I even manage to think 'I love Jordan's death' I just don't have a rational reason for it, but I know life is as it is supposed to be, there is a divine reason for all that happens. Real surrender is like falling head first in the vast darkness, and loving it. And loving the fear if that's there. And loving the sadness if that's there. Love is the only answer, because it is and I have decided so. I unpacked a few gifts. How wonderful it feels to lose someone and to know the peace of no words unspoken and no love unexpressed. If I would be able to talk to him now, I don't have anything left to tell him. Just I love you, but I have said that a thousand times. He knows, he feels. And I will be patient and our meeting again in the afterlife or in another life will be joyful. I take comfort in the strength and resilience of my heart. It's a great gift because I didn't know that my heart was so strong and resilient, before these setbacks (also losing the company with my sister) happened. I haven't sunken as deep in surrender before. To surrender when life is the way you think you want it, is different from surrendering when life is exactly the opposite of what you think you wanted. And still it goes on. And I know the right way forward. Maybe I'll be able to time travel someday. I feel silly writing that down. Because I think there are so few people who will believe that, and all the people will think something like: 'Well, I'm happy Els is happy, but she's going fucking nuts.' 'She'll wake up out of her silly illusions.' That's fine. I can understand. I have to be authentic. I want to be myself and share whatever is inside. I believe creation doesn't exist within time, but time exists within creation. I have believed this for years now. Why would we be able to move around in space, but not in time? I think it's our own minds restraining us. There's a part of me that doesn't believe I'll ever be able to jump timelines. I'm afraid of being silly because I can remember watching movies about time travel, which are usually super unrealistic, like needing a phone booth to do it. But anyway, I take more truth in the words of Bashar and Bentinho Massaro than in all the words together of my 900 facebookfriends who don't believe in the malleability of time. My mind has to become loser though. It might help to have the Thailand retreats. Oh my God I hope they will allow me to come to the Vipassana one. I might have to write a second e-mail to reassure them I will not bring any drugs... I will. Some stuff to do today. Anyway, it's not a prerequisite for me to be happy or surrender to love, the timeline jumping. I can live this life without Jordan too. My heart feels less shocked, more open again towards others. I'm so happy to be polyamorous. It makes life so much easier. I have been at my sister's house for two weeks now, and I'll travel to Budapest this Saturday. To visit [name left out] there. I don't know him too well, but I have such a good feeling about him. Such beautiful memories of the one time I made love with him in Barcelona. Can I say this on internet? Lol, why not. I'm not insulting him. But sex is such a taboo. I always have this feeling of: I want to break taboos, and also it's scary and I feel guilty if it includes other people. As if I now have to ask his consent to post this on the internet. Do I? It makes me think of someone else I was with, I'm not going to mention his name, he was married. He was afraid of his wife finding out. I hate secrecy. It makes things so unnecessarily complex! Monogamy too. Who the fuck invented that monster? Okay... blurp. Lol, I don't want to judge about monogamous people, and I have been one myself in the past because I didn't see better alternatives and I was afraid of hurting my partner... so I understand, and also, wauw, free love makes things so much easier. Shit, so what to do? Should I now ask his permission? Leave out his name? I don't feel like that, but I also don't want him to feel disturbed by it. He's a free spirit though, I don't think he minds. But it would be quite inconsiderate if I don't check or come up with a different solution. There's going to be more though, if I'm with him the coming time, I might want to write more SoC, and whatever is going on between us will likely come up. I might get more detailed thoughts about sex with him, or judgments I have about him, ... uhmmmm..... so even if he would consent to his name in this SoC, he might likely not be able to give blank consent for future SoC. I can ask him for blank consent though, and if he doesn't give that, I will use another name. Okay, that's seems solid. Too bad for this SoC blog though, because I want everything to be super pure and honest and straightforward and true and exposed and right from the heart. But I have to be respectful and considerate too. Okay. Oh my god I hate eating chocolate. Addiction, food is my only addiction it seems. I have all these weird thoughts on veganism nowadays. That stuff is shifting all the time. This morning I thought: isn't every action that occurs beneficial for both parties involved? Like even murder, rape, abuse? Murdering or rape doesn't resonate with me, so I just don't even feel compelled to do it. But I definitely feel compelled to engage in abuse of animals to be able to eat certain foods. And I was eating chocolate yesterday, for the first time after two months of veganism, and I said 'thank you cow', and honestly the answer 'thanks you, Els' came back. I have tried about ten times again later, and just every time an instant thank you comes back to me. Ha ha oh my god I feel so self-conscious writing this down. My father is on my mind, he will think something like: 'my daughter is losing her mind.' Maybe wanting to go back to the old days where I still seemed a normal kid. With whom he could have long conversations about politics without her bringing up conspiracy theories. Behold, I nowadays even belief in aliens, I believe America never landed on the moon. And no worries on my mind, because the aliens are super benevolent and can assist us in our growth. And that moon thing is just super funny. I do wonder if Bentinho's prediction will come true, that the American government will reveal 9/11 as an inside job before the end of this very month. That would be super interesting. But people make wild predictions all the time. I can remember talking in the summer of 2015 with two friends who predicted a great flood in the Netherlands during the autumn of 2015. Well, nothing happened in my reality, but who am I to say their prediction was wrong? Maybe they shifted into a parallel universe where the Netherlands are now sea again. I'm liking this SoC, I don't feel as scattered anymore. And the tone is pretty positive. So different than my last SoC. I felt super irritated and whatever when I wrote that one. Yes, that hypnosis session was disappointing. Ha ha if I later find it was all true and I was this black American guy traveling to France, getting kind of raped by his landlady, all of that.. I'm going to laugh so loud. But I don't know, it might as well have been a funny story I just came up with myself. On the other hand, isn't everything something I came up with myself? But I mean, there's a difference between myself and my greater self that is God. Spirit. Life seems much more magical and beautiful than when I was a kid. Funny, for most people it's the other way around. Oh so much fun, after years I visited the Lucid Dreamers 4 All forum again, and it's still alive and a new challenge is starting soon, so I made an account and will play along with that game. [...] my sister came back from grocery shopping. I like the stuffed animal Owl that's sitting in the window sail. Sale? Sill. Google translate helped me out. My internet seems really slow today. I have to do the paperwork today, disentangling myself from our joint venture. It will make my tax filing easier at least. [...] Had lunch with my sister. Did a part of the paperwork stuff, almost done. I have been feeling this pressure of I-need-to-do-stuff yesterday and today, since I knew I was going to travel to another place. But there's really no need to do anything. I really want all work to feel like just play. Just like when I was a child, I did many things, I created all kinds of creative projects, I want to be like that again. Money makes life serious. People telling you you have to work makes life serious. The idea of 'people who don't work are lazy and worthless' makes life serious. I don't want to play that game. I want to play the real game. I don't want to be in scarcity thinking, and believing that I'm worthless if I'm not productive. I want to be relaxed, trusting, creative, playful and make things because it seems like a fun project, or because I want to make people happy with what I can create for them. I do feel that partly already with the course creation. I don't feel a lot of pressure to make that quick, and the desire to make it would keep standing also if I couldn't make money with it. I want to finish the work that Jordan and I started, and I want to contribute to people having happier relationships. I want to contribute to more love and peace. And I want to create an income stream for myself. But there is no hurry. I can take at least a few months. I do hope the places that I'll live in the next months will be quite enough for good video recordings. And I hope my laptop hasn't become to old and slow to process the editing. Challenges, just challenges. Easy challenges. I'm ready.