H, Junk, Brown, Dope, Dragon, Bars, Speedball. Just a few of the words a Mom never wants to know! It used to be that I couldn't even SAY the word heroin out loud. Social conditioning made it so it was a HORRIBLE word, and implied HORRIBLE and unspeakable things. But my son, whom I love dearly was NOT horrible. The thing he DID, was. Therein lies the thinking and feeling that's totally out of alignment with our natural states of being. The story starts out as many do, a football injury in high school, the Dr prescribes Vicodin..and one thing leads to another and another and another. One nightmare after another. I'm not the addict, yet I too was a prisoner, in my mind, in my home, and in my life. Sometimes I think, I've got post traumatic stress syndrome from watching, witnessing and living the HORROR that goes along with addiction. Particularly heroin. Its a drug that does not discriminate and is RUTHLESS in its quest to over take a person's ability to made good decisions. In the beginning before pill abuse lead to heroin, there were emotional outbursts that I could make no sense of. Acts of outright defiance. Sleeping in class and long hours after school that made no sense for a kid that had been healthy and active up to that point.
To be fair, there is an emotional component that was a large factor and that was the absence of his father. He disappeared when my son was 4, completely. My son never did understand why, and I couldn't explain it. One day, when my son was 14 he resurfaced. Along with his half-brother who was 17. In they came all smiles and hugs, along with a huge Elephant in the room. The Elephant was the big question mark, where have you been all my life? and why are you here now? Those questions and others the father never would address despite my pleading for some discussion. Children blame themselves, and can't understand why they're not lovable ENOUGH for a parent to be in their lives. Its disgusting to leave a child to begin with, and offer no explainations whatsoever upon return is excruciating. Shortly after their arrival, as quick as they came in, they left. You see, the 17 half-brother was an addict. The parents had tried every program imagineable from outpatient therapy to the stripping of all wordly goods and set up in a tent in the backyard with a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter, all to no avail. The brother expressed his desire to meet his brother from another mother and the father obligied him, hoping THIS would be the key to his freedom from the slavery of addiction. 2 months later he was in an 18 month rehab program. No, meeting his brother did not save him.
I didn't know it at the time, but knowing what I know now, 9 years later, I would have expected it. The half brother turned my 14 year old on to many other drugs, along with ways to hide it and beat the system. Just prior to this was the discovery my son had tried marijuana. After the brother turned him on to other stuff came the football injury and the free Rx for Vicodin. The the behavior changes. I had no support from anyone. I turned to the police to come to the house to get him to go to school. Then came violent outbursts. I turned again to the police, hoping that I could "scare" him into behaving well. At 15, I pressed charges for battery and vandalism. He went to Juvy for 2 weeks. The system had him. And let me tell you it was the SINGLE MOST biggest mistake I ever made. I did not know that once your kid is in the system how you can never get out from under them. Hell I might as well have been serving the time along with him. It was a terrible experience. It never got better after that and life became a true living hell, for him AND for me.
Countless sleepless nights, late night emergency phone calls (nothing good happens between 12-6am), Emergency Rooms, Police Stations, you name it, I've lived it. Even a round of mexican jail, which is a story in itself. Its only been in this last year that I could allow myself to actually turn off the ringer on my phone at night. I never felt I could. I couldn't date, I couldn't go out of town, I could do nothing but try to control and monitor a terrible situation. Yes, I went to Al-Anon, but you can only do so much, and watching your son kill himself wasn't for me.
One day, after the horror of the mexican jail episode, I had been taking some classes at a Clairevoyant School locally, and someone had said I should try this Spiritualist Church nearby. It took me a year to finally get around to doing it, and it was just a random thing that popped in my head that said "go!"...so I did. I walked into the church where the Asst Pastor was teaching a class on Spiritual Awareness and Psychic Development. I felt at home and after 2 classes which also included guided meditations I began to feel some hope. Some hope for the escape of the endless matinee of horror which swirled in my head all day and night, every day. Through meditation I found bits and peaces of actual calm, and peacefulness. I could relax for an hour. I began to learn the principles of spiritual awareness and how and why we've all come to be here. That there was a purpose for this pain. That life does NOT END which the physical death of our body. I began to peel back the layers and find my pain and heal. I began to understand MY role in his addiction and recovery. In fact, once I understood the concept of free will, I learned to allow him, myself, and others the space to be and do what they've come here to do. To stop interferring. To stop controlling, stop giving advice not asked for etc. There is so much freedom now! I began to see him as a spiritual being having a human experience, and that is was OK. That I could love him unconditionally NO MATTER SOBER OR NOT was not something I had truly considered. I could have compassion, I could not be angry when he relapsed, went to jail over and over. I could see that this was HIS experience and that I could LET him have it! He is my greatest teacher. The battle continues as he is in his 4th rehab....but I love him and support him and let him live and walk his path. I have found peace in this understanding, have found my own purpose in life and would encourage others to look into Spiritualism for the understanding and freedom it opens up in you. There is less friction within my self. I am living more in alignment with my truth as I know it, and it changes as I evolve. Each day is now exciting and not dreaded. I can now sleep with my phone off, peacefully.
For this and more, I'm eternally grateful to God, the Universe, my guides and teachers. I hope this has helped someone, anyone know that there is peace and joy available for the asking. You are loved by Love Divine, the Creator of all that is, God. One Love. Blessings to you and yours! ~