My dearest daughters,
It's been a decade today, since I last hugged the three of you. And while the time has raced by for you...every moment away from my girls has felt like an eternity.
Looking back there are things I would have done differently. I would have had a mastectomy, not a lumpectomy. I would not consider it weak to discuss the fact that I truly could die with you. If I could have seen how shocking and detrimental my death was to you girls, I wouldn't have kept the seriousness of my illness a secret. I only meant to protect you and to not give any power to this disease or to death.
I also need you to know, I didn't want to leave you. I fought so hard to stay. I wanted more than anything to live and be there for you until you went from blonde to gray.
I was bound and determined to beat this cancer, no matter what. It was so frustrating that my body failed me and ultimately the three of you. I swore I would never give up...until that night.
When your dad rushed me to the hospital and carried me through those emergency room doors-I knew this was the night I would say goodbye to my daughters. I had never felt so sick or so tired.
My last words were, "the light is so bright"... and it was in that light I saw each of your beautiful faces and futures. Futures, I realized in that moment, took me leaving in order for you to find them.
They say a mother's love is one of the purest, most unselfish loves that exist. As I laid on that bed and saw that light and felt that feeling, I loved like only a mother could. I chose to turn all of us over to God's plan.
I gave up being there for my eldest's college graduation. I gave up being there for Adrienne's high school graduation. And I said goodbye to my 7 year old, knowing that's the last year she would have a mom.
I gave up all the moments, I looked forward to celebrating with you, your whole lives. The moments I dreamed of when you were in my womb. I gave them up because I loved you more. I gave them up because I trusted God to take care of you.
And He has!
I know the past ten years have been rough. If the light would have shown me the near future and not the end result I don't think I could have left. My fear and hurt for your immediate futures would have kept me from releasing you and releasing my motherly love.
I am so so so sorry for all the heartache you each have had to go through. Your grieving processes have all been so different and I've tried to comfort you as best as a mom in heaven can.
It has given me comfort to see the people who were in my life continue to reach out to the three of you. And I am so thankful for all the new people in your lives that are surrounding my babies with love.
But the thing I am most thankful for is that you three have each other. The bond you share is incredible and unbreakable. I know you'll never take that for granted. I take such peace in that.
And speaking of knowing, I can't wait until you come to the place in your journey where you can recognize the beauty in this life and see the magnificent vision I saw that night. But until then, know that I am always with you and while a mom may pass away...her love never will.