As a Steemite, you would agree with me that every relationship has its ups and downs, with one partner creating a bizarre scene every now and then, and the worst part of it all is that he or she won’t notice it, until maybe when things starts falling apart. It is no doubt that every lady in a relationship wants to please her man, and same to for guys. Without mincing words, you can overcome some subconscious habits of yours that are annoying. After reading this article, you will surely be able to make your relationship more happier and healthier.
As Steemites, it will be gracious if we should put into practice some relationship advice that will help us interact better with other Steemites, our friends, coworkers or spouse. Therefore, below are three things we do unknowingly that is killing our relationships:
1. Throwing in opinions without permission
You will all agree with me, most times, there is this urge in us to throw in our contribution even without anyone asking for it. We do this most times out of concern and love. It is true, you will want someone you love to be good at all times. However, that urge in us to throw in our feedback without anyone asking for it usually turns sour.
Let me assume that Steematians love watching movies, and probably have watched the movie “Ted 2”. In this movie, Ted fights with his wife because she asked him to get some jobs. Although such request from his wife is genuine since they have bills to kill, his wife goofed because she didn’t put into consideration the stress Ted is facing and if he needs her advice or not. As you can see, her good comment ended up as a fight.
Such scenario happens at all time in relationships since out of love, we want the betterment of our partner, but we fail to think if they need the advice or not. It is true that we are been honest, just like the saying “Honesty is the best policy,” but we might be taking it too far without realizing it. That been said, you should look out for instances when you are giving unwanted advice, and make amendments.
Take for instance you meet a stranger and make a comment about the outfit of the stranger. Since you don’t have permission to comment and they didn’t ask for your opinion, he or she might become defensive immediately. Although people love to hear positive things about the clothes they are putting on, but you should be careful if what you are offering is a criticism, as you are likely to get the person offended.
How to fix this: If you have a very strong urge to give feedback to someone, you are faced with two choices for approaching the matter. One way is to ask for permission to voice your opinion; the other option is looking for a way to give them the assurance that you will offer constructive feedback to them.
It looks awkward to ask for permission from someone before offering your opinion, and the person might likely tell you they aren’t interested in what you want to voice out. So, would you like to voice out your opinion if they aren’t interested? Well, you might not like the outcome, but you won’t offend someone if you are asking them for permission to voice your feedback.
Even though it might take more time to make someone solicit your opinion, it is worth it as it produces better results. This is preferable because the person is open-minded and ready for what you have to voice out.
An instance is when your best friend bought new glasses. You might bring in a discussion saying that of recent, you read an article on different face shapes and the best type of glasses suitable for each face. You figured out that as you read this, the frame you selected for yourself didn’t fit the shape of your face. With such comments and discussion, your friend might ask how you feel about the glasses he/she is putting on. With such a question, they have asked for your feedback, permitting you to voice out your opinion.
2. Ignoring their feelings when they need you
It is true that we can’t be cheerful at all time since our emotions changes from time to time throughout the day. The thoughts of sad events that happened might make us feel sad, workload might make us feel stressed out, and we may even be frustrated because we couldn’t get what we want. In all these, there isn’t any kind of sadness that can be compared to that feeling we have when someone we feel should know us more than anyone can’t even figure out that we are feeling distressed.
Take for instance, after a hectic day at work, as a woman, your husband comes back home. After hearing what he has to say, you begin to give advice immediately. You may have that mindset that you are doing him a favor by trying to fix the problem, and you might voice out things like “Your boss is mean,” or, “I don’t think that is the right job for you.”
If you respond in such manner, you have given unsolicited feedback, thereby falling into the first relationship mistake listed above, and to add to it, you have also ignored his needs at the moment. Yes, he might like to have a problem-solving session, but that should be at another time not now. When he comes back home, what he needs from you is your attention, just listen.
How to fix this: Listen to your partner, thereby respecting his/her feelings. Avoid trying to solve the problem right away, and use active listening technique. The issue might seem trivial to you, but you should avoid belittling their feelings. At that moment, what you should do is to acknowledge their emotions and thoughts, even though you can help in sorting out the problem later.
You should simply ask your partner how they feel, rather than trying to find the silver lining in the situation they are faced with or jumping into advice right away. Lend a listening ear to them if they are willing to open up. By restating what they have told you or by using body language, you can affirm them. It is true, the urge to make your opinion known is strong because you care, but you should resist this urge!
When you are sick and someone tells you “You should wear enough clothes next time,” you will feel bad. However, if that person asks “Are you ok?” you will feel more better emotionally. When you are sick, you surely don’t want advice, do you?
Everyone requires a little time to let our emotions cool down before we can begin handling the opinions of others. You should have it at the back of your mind that your opinions won’t be helpful to them if they have not given you permission to voice it out.
3. Not offering any opinion at all
One way you are killing your relationship is by not offering any useful opinion of yours. The two problems discussed above entails about giving too much feedback, however, this particular problem with relationship talks about offering very little or no opinion.
Let’s take for instance, a woman raised up the topic about where to spend their anniversary since it is fast approaching, but her husband, instead of listing out some options goes ahead responding in a manner like “It doesn’t matter. I’ll be fine with whatever you pick,” or “I don’t know.”
Responding in such a manner might make you think you are being flexible, but your partner does not see it in such manner. Since your partner wants your feedback, he or she came to you, but you just showed them that you are not responsible for decision-making or that you don’t care. Yes, there is no need for you to provide a definite answer, but your partner was only hoping to see that you have interest and are willing to provide some answers on the matter.
You seek for the opinion of your partner because sincerely, you want a helping hand for your problem. Also, you may want to lift off the pressure from yourself when you want input. If someone fails to provide their suggestion on a matter you raised, they are placing back on you the obligation to make decisions.
How to fix this: if a person asks for your opinion on a matter, you should pause and put their request into consideration. Even though it isn’t compulsory for you to fix the problem for them, you can assist them in coming up with a new idea to solve the situation.
Now, rather than telling your partner that you don’t care where you spend your anniversary, you might come up with something like, “I’m not so sure, but we haven’t had Thai food in a while. Maybe we could find a Thai restaurant we haven’t visited yet.” If you give your feedback in such a manner, you reassure your partner that you both are on the same lane, and you care about them.
Have this at the back of your mind that the attitude you display towards their concern is more important than the answer you provide.
By the time you begin to become self-conscious of these problems, there will be lesser conflicts that you will experience.
Now you might begin to wonder when you have goofed with your best intentions, but have it at the back of your mind that it isn’t just you. You are not alone, as most people have fallen into the trap of giving unwanted advice, ignoring the feelings of someone as they try to fix a problem, or even failed to provide a better opinion when asked.
It is the fact that we cannot change what has just happened, however, with the advice in this article, we will surely become more responsive and make our relationship with others grow positively, as we listen carefully and provide our opinion when they asks us for it.
So fellow Steemites, what other ways do you think we are killing relationships without noticing it? What suggestions do you proffer?