This life my late American husband was just that man who treated me best, and he was also the only man in the world to whom I can give all my love this life.
We always got along well with each other. Pitifully God can't give us more time to be together.
He loved to learn Chinese culture, he also would like to teach as many Chinese students as possible.
My biggest pain is to be mistaken by his American family after his sudden death.
Nobody understands our deep love!
On the thought of the past honey-sweet time with him, my face is covered with tears. I miss him, how can I forget him?
I cherish the title of being his wife! Even if he didn't leave me any wealth and American visa which I want most, this title is priceless. It proves that this life I have ever loved and been loved deeply.
By means of the memory of his love, I can spend the rest of my life lonely until God allows me to be united with him.
P.S.
For my sake, you left anything and anybody in US behind and passed away in a foreign country--China lonely. How can I reward you for your "profound loving-kindness"? You died, I also get rid of Confucianism's (as well as my own Chinese family) "spirit countrol"! I am as free as a ghost soul in this mortal world now!
I want to tell you that I "rent" and "raise" some chickens from a farm online. There're blue chickens, red chickens, white chickens, black chickens, bronze chickens, silver chickens and golden chickens. You can see them in the picture above, they all look so cute and lovely, don't they? I call them as "baby chickens".
Every day after I click 4 ads in my bitcofarm, I am allowed access to the hencoop and collet eggs. When I collet eggs, my chickens just shake their little heads quietly and proudly to greet me and show off their eggs to me.
Now I only raise 7 blue chickens, it means that everyday I can get 7 blue eggs to sell in the market, every blue egg costs 0.0001025 BTC. Oh, I guess you must be a little puzzled now. When you were on earth, we both didn't know what Bitcoin was, or even we had ever heard of this name, we didn't care. "What the damn Bitcoin is?"
Oh, now I still don't know how to expound on Bitcoin to you. All in all, the simplest explanation is that Bitcoin is a new kind of globle currency--a kind of decentralized digital money based on encrypted algorithm. It was created by an unknown man or group with the alias Satoshi Nakamoto, people from different countries can transfer Bitcoin via bitcoin wallet peer-to-peer without using the traditional bank, Paypal, Western Union, etc. Is it so great and amazing, isn't it?
I guess at this moment you must worry about me a little, you must feel sorry that you didn't help me set foot on the land of United State--your mother country in your lifetime. Yeah, you once promised you would take me to US, then we drove car alongside Florida seacoast and let winds blow our hair and faces gently with half-opened roof. (after you have gone to heaven, I still fancy this picture you depicted to me countless times. My hopelessly romantic American husband, I want to be drown in the waves of your romantic moods.)And you were figuring to ask some visa lawyer for help. Who knows God took you to heaven suddenly? I lost 920,000 dollar worth of American green card as well as your life at a stroke.
I "hate" you let me wait for your coming for the whole 5 years online. We were tortured by lack of money deeply at that time, you always sent your last penny to help your American kids, ignoring yourself. You were a "silly" father! You loved and favored your kids unconditionally, trying your best to meet their material needs, even if they had earned better money than you. When you made up your mind to come to China, hurriedly, for my part, I had not any savings, my parents both from impoverished backgrounds, old and poor. Nobody helped us in China, Even worse, my mother was seriously sick, confined to her bed all day long and kept on groaning in pain. Her illness aggravation was mainly due to the deadliest threat from those Chinese who envied me to marry you--a white American! How could a poor Chinese countryside old girl be permitted to marry an American? A skyrocketing rise in life! Is it possible for asking the moon? Crazy bashing to her! There's strict household registration system in China similar to the notorious Indian caste system. God knows how I hate! God knows those Chinese ruined me are not others, just my Chinese relatives higher than us. Yeah, you had no idea how expensive American green card was for Chinese! Now American green card cost 920,000 dollar. Even when you was alive, it cost 500,000 dollar for Chinese. Anyone can imagine how I was envied by Chinese around me!
I kept on urging you to save money for my American visa's financial guarantee, because I had been aware that it was not a good choice for you to stay in China unless you taught English in Chinese university as an honorable professor, instead of private English training school which failed to offer accommodation and Chinese working visa. Your sudden death in China made my concern and fear I had had for you come to pass. Without Chinese working visa as well as "foreign expert certificate" issued by Chinese government, the coldhearted private Chinese school refused to admit that you were a formal teacher, (they were lying to your American family, they interviewed you and signed the working contract formally with you.) so they were not responsible for your death, without any death compensation. I should have let you leave that bloody Chinese school or return to US directly when they didn't apply for your Chinese working visa at the beginning, rather than my getting Chinese marriage visa for you as best as I could. The result was that I was tortured to be ill, too. Here and there I met crazy jealousy and obstacles. Until we got to HK, everything about Chinese marriage visa was solved smoothly. I never thought that we groped our way so hard without right information and guide...
I am wrong! I am wrong!
For most of American teachers working in China, they just enjoy being cared and respected like royal members, with good accommodation and free dinner. Only did you live in an uncared-for life in China! Of course, you got a good salary from that Chinese private English training school. It is really a fat income, comparing to common Chinese' payment. However, it is just similar to a poor blue-collar worker in US. Why were you always so "silly"? Why did you suffer lonely, never trying to complain to me? I am accustomed to poverty, but you were different from me! I am from poor Chinese village, you were from New York. Everyday you only made some rice soup or boiled some instant-frozen dumplings as your food for saving money to get my American visa's financial guarantee, How could you stay healthy? (I was cheated by a wealthy Chinese. If I marry an American husband, it is OK enough to let my husband fill in a spouze American visa application form. No need to have a lot of money as visa financial guarantee! Too miserable! Dear readers, I believe that you must be told that Bitcoin/digitalcurrency is a ponzi scheme by a lot of people or be misled by some celebrities even your government, If you choose to believe, you'll lose your chance like me.)
I didn't realize your hard living conditions until I read your last and unfinished email to your American friend and saw a new bag of rice and some opened and unopened packages of frozen dumplings scattered in that small refrigerator when my sister and I arranged your belongings in your room. God, I have sinned! My heart began shrinking, I couldn't bear to witness all of this any more, getting out of your room hurriedly and leaving my sister deal with your belongings alone.
I think that it is just the reason why your American family punished me ruthlessly. You also "harmed" me, why did you always tell me how you helped Chinese students overcome the fear of learning English and how these Chinese students improved scores and studied abroad with your help, etc.?
Don't forget, I am also one of your Chinese students, I also dreamed to go to American college, pitifully I never passed English exam when I was in school, otherwise I have climbed up the upper ladder, no need to struggle in poverty and lowliness. You didn't understand my frustration and serious inferiority. I couldn't feel happy for your achivement and so-called success before I got American visa, your words were only like rubbing salt in my wound and reminding me of my past failure and foolishness. Nevertheless, why didn't you tell me your difficulties and barriers in daily life in China?
I was a fool, I never realize how hard it is for an American to live in China lonely! You always loved to help others, so I just regarded you as God, you couldn't imagine how I loved and worshiped you--an American scholar graduated from a pharmaceutical college, only a block away from the famous Harvard university! Otherwise who can wait for you online for the whole 5 years? Let alone 5 years, I can even wait for you all my life. I know about it very well--- if you didn't suffer huge misfortune--being a stigma in your life, your American wife also divorced you, how could I have the chance to love you, seek you and match you? You were just that high prince! I never expected that you were also an ordinary person, not superman, especially in a country completely different from your mother country--that No.1 country in the world with strong economic and military powers.
Forgive my ignorance! I really didn't know that Chinese living condition was so harsh and poor comparing to US since I have never been to US. It is your "fault", why didn't you order me to give up my job, letting me accompany and look after you since your health was not in a good condition? You were too face-saving. Unfortunately, I also have my pride, I don't want to depend on you completely, regarding you as my " meal ticket". I desire to earn good money by myself.
You had no idea how I have tasted poverty/destitute to the fullness. I really hate and fear poverty, I am at the bottom of Chinese society--being bullied and despised all along.
If people haven't experienced the real poverty, they even have no way to imagine it as well as the humiliation/fear/stress/depression/self-abasement being entailed by it.
"Give me a chance, I only need a chance! Let me come out of China and see the world!" It is the cry in my heart. I have learned English by myself for nearly 30 years, 30 years! How many "30 years" are there in our life? I hunger for getting a chance to make use of my English talent. I couldn't wait to have a visit to US. On the one hand, it is really out of my huge vanity; on the other hand, I want to taste a way of American life -- driving car freely, you also told me that your parents' house was as big as a castle, and they had 2 cars. Your American family sounds so wealthy.
I must say that I was a little confused, I didn't understand your choice. It should be your accessive pride and self-esteem that ruined you. You didn't allow yourself to condescend to ask for help from anyone, including your own family. After all, you once lived a very successful/wealthy life, having an enviable big family in US with your 4 lovely kids.(now one is in heaven with you,too.) you couldn't suffer the enormous drop from the peak of success after your pharmacist license was suspended. You were once the first and only kid who got precious college bachelor degree in your family. I understand that kind of mental torment, but I never thought your health was in such a bad condition. If only I knew how the long time mental suffering could be to the detriment of one's health! You must have had the horrible "heart disease" long time ago.
As result, your life ended in China suddenly. On the surface, it is all due to my negligence, I let your parents lose their son, your kids lose their father. (I hate myself to still stay in my local place for keeping my job after we married in China. An extremely foolish choice! The poor people's fear!) How can I dissolve hatred and beg for forgiveness of your American family? I was bent to let you be happy, I thought you came back to the circle of "select society" again. Yeah, at least in China, you were really in the select society. Most of your Chinese collegues hold good college diploma and Amerian tourist visa, some of them even graduated from American college, travelling the world freely with enough money, but... I forgot you were a noble white American citizen. You came to China, really trying your best to help Chinese students learn English with a pure belief. God knows how many people from the poor developing countries are striving for their "American citizenship" dream!
I doubt it is just a kind of Christian faith in spite that you claimed that you didn't like and believe in Christian. You even avoided being asked or talking about any topics on Christian by Chinese, me included. The truth is that you were a real Christian spirit implementer. If Christian were true, you must have been canonized as Saint in heaven. (Religion is a very complicated issue. Unfortunately we are from different religion systems. You never really followed Chinese Confucianism, I didn't follow Christian at all when you were alive. The only commom point between us is we are both kindhearted and naive/pure people.)
I don't think your American family can forgive me, in their mind, I am like a lepor, a demon, an evil golddigger. Your older son once claimed angrily that he had done with me and China. It seems that the family war even upgraded into national war. How could I cause such a big disaster?
I'd better stop here! Just imagine that I have enough money! With enough money, I can also be noble as a queen! I can get American visa by myself, I can prove that I am equal to the title of your wife! I can even force your American family to admit that I am your Chinese wife by virtue of the magic of money. Yeah, Money can solve all my problems.
Pitifully I have no money! I am so desperate and helpless, many times the only thing in my mind is how to die and follow you. I pray God also take my life if God take your life.
Bitcoin gives me the new hope. Every time when I check my chickens of bitcofarm, I have a lot of dreams popping up again. I know you are the only person who loved my dream so much, yeah, I am always a super dreamer, even if I have been defeated to death by fate.
Now I have 7 blue chickens. Step by step, I can raise/rent more chickens, the more chickens I have, the more eggs I can collect; the more eggs I collect, the more Bitcoin I can save. If only I could have 1 Bitcoin! 1 Bitcoin costs about 11,000 dollar at present.
With such kind of vision, I can't help smiling at myself, but I know you never laugh at my dream. On the contraty, you must encourage me to earn money by sharing my dream and helping other people.
(Dear readers, if you are interested in my bitcofarm, welcome to register
http://bitcofarm.com/home?r=ginafraser and have a try with the minimum deposit 0.0025 Bitcoin. I am not a professional investor, there's risk in any investment. All I can say is good luck and we are all in a brand-new path of digitalcurrency.)
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