We see it time and time again, whether it is in our own relationships or others, love doesn’t last. So what do most of us do when we run out of love? We go out and find someone else that can provide us with that exciting and comforting feeling that love provides.

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Love is an Emotion

The problem isn’t with love itself, the real problem lies in the expectations of what our relationships should be like. We tend to have this idealistic notion that “the one” is someone whom we will have everlasting love with. Of course, reality is often far from ideal and at times heart wrenching.

We have to understand that love is an emotion first and foremost. It isn’t a lifestyle or elixir of happiness that magically soothes our woes. Like any emotion, it waxes and wanes, ebbs and flows, and can appear and disappear without any warning. So if we predicate our relationships on something that is as whimsical as an emotion, what happens when love fades and hurt appears?

You see, human beings are naturally predisposed to seeking out pleasure and avoiding pain. We live in a world where gratification is valued whilst discomfort or pain is avoided. So when our relationships go topsy-turvy on us, does that mean we just give up when faced with negative or painful emotions?

Chances are most people leave their relationships after experiencing a certain amount of negative emotions, whether it is hate, resentment, anger, sadness, anxiety etc.

The Opposite of Love?

When it comes to relationships, we tend to think that the opposite of love is anger or fear, when in fact it is far from that. Feelings of anger or pain towards your partner is because you love them in the first place. These seemingly polar opposite emotions are essentially two sides of the same coin. The danger comes from polarizing these emotions into a negative and a positive, and having the expectation or mindset that a relationship is only worthwhile when it’s positive.

Allow me to propose a deeper insidious truth.

The fact that you are feeling anything is already a good sign of a worthwhile relationship, since emotions naturally fluctuate. On the other hand, feeling nothing at all would be a terrible sign in a relationship. You see the real opposite of experiencing any emotions is to not experience any at all. In other words, the opposite of emotions (positive or negative) is apathy. When you are apathetic, you are void of feeling, meaning and purpose, an empty vessel. You might as well be a robot.

This is the real killer of love and hence our relationships, not pain or negative emotions. Pain is at least useful in signalling change, whereas apathy is just useless indifference. We see this indifference disguised as complacency, where relationships plateau and ride a lifeless and indefinite flat line of stagnation.

This is why people fall out of love, NOT because of pain. Pain or hurt is simply another side of love. This is a critical truth you must realize. Actions such as cheating or divorce are just symptoms of a deeper underlying issue, apathy. An indifference to circumstances of life that slowly suffocate a person’s passion and purpose in life. This giving up of one’s drive is akin to giving up your soul, in the end you will walk the Earth an empty shell wondering where it all went.

So how do we remove apathy’s subtle yet firm grip around our necks? Growth. Growth is the antithesis of death.

If something isn’t growing, then by definition it is dying.

Growing Pains

By shifting our focus from the emotions we experience in a relationship to one centred on growth, we invite purpose and passion back into our lives. Just think about the beginning of most relationships, it is the learning associated with getting to know someone, exploring the world together, and achieving milestones (marriage, kids etc.) that infuse passion and purpose into our lives. This growth is what keeps relationships flourishing with love and happiness, despite the challenges encountered.

Now the key to growth is to embrace pain rather than to simply avoid it. Pain is the necessary catalyst to growth, without it you are bound to stagnate. Just like how you need to challenge your muscles to build muscles, you need to challenge your relationship to build it. This isn’t an invitation to terrorize your partner of course. Instead, it is about finding ways to improve and build the relationship, especially when you encounter a painful or negative situation (i.e. an argument, money problems, infidelity etc.). The greater the pain, the more effort that is required, however, it will take your relationship to greater levels of fulfillment and happiness.

In the end, the best relationships are those that are committed to growing together. Those that push past the painful barriers of life and refuse to accept indifference towards each other.

This is when love and pain succeed.

Peace

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