As I get in the car, there's an old dog passing by. She's got one eye, can barely walk, lumps on her neck and body from old age. I feel like her...I feel broken. The saddest thing is there are plenty of men who adore me and I should give a chance...why doesn't it feel right to find someone else. I keep thinking just one fling would break the cycle. I'd be back to my old self. Happy, social, flirt, pretty, funny, talkative.
I drove to Virginia Beach. It's one of the spots we went to get away from it all. It was easy. Rent a house. Pack up the car. Drive 8 hours...6 hours if you speed. Stop when you want to. Chesapeake Bay Bridge...my favorite part...it made me feel free to cross that bridge, it still does...it meant we're almost there. Beach, kayaking, naps, Scrabble, lazy, getting buzzed and wiling away the time. Movies, ice cream, long conversations. It was the one place we didn't have to do anything but chill. Red wine...being from NYC, I still find it amazing I can buy wine at the Target. The red wine always seemed sweeter.
Another set of memories I want to erase still live on VA's shores.
It's raining again today. Dear God! I've asked you repeatedly for signs that I should let go but I can't hear you or maybe I don't want to hear you. I am constantly confused by your messages. Is the rain a sign to wash away the past? Or is it a sign I should start anew? Or do I forsake my pride and continue trying to get him back? Maybe I don't want to be honest because then everything is my fault.
Even if its my fault, how often do you need to repeat my every wrong., it won't justify your cheating. I never replaced you! I never shared my bed with someone else! I never called anyone else Hon or Babe! I didn't lay in another bed and laugh! or watch TV! or drank wine! or ate sushi!
Dad can you hear me? I wish you were still here. You knew me best - you were my person that would make me feel as if I could do no wrong. I wish you could whisper in my ear "my daughter...." Daddy please help me I can't let go...tell me what to do! Tell me how to forget!
I came to the Beach to erase these memories...there's all this rain. Why won't it wash away the memories?
Tell me why do I keep wanting to fix it when I am supposed to be letting go?