When I see him it is like I am back to my chubby ten-year-old self, ready to slip a note into his desk asking if he wants to be my boyfriend, or rather having asked a friend to do it for me since I am too much of a chicken to do it myself. It is an odd feeling to have as a 26 year old grown up lady. Like damn, should I not have learned how to speak with boys yet? Apparently not! This situation is however a bit different than most of those I have been in, and if you also add some really questionable wingmanning into the mix you get the embarrassing mess I am currently surrounded by.
As a backstory, saw this guy last summer when I was out with friends. Sometimes, there is just -something- about someone that makes you interested instantly. I knew that he knew a lot of my friends, so actually ending up talking to each other should not be that much of an issue, right? Oh, sooo wrong! You know when you sort of hang around a person a couple of times and realize no one has ever introduced you to each other yet? Well, this is what happened in my case. We had sort of seen each other around one too many times for it not to be super awkward to just do a simple hello. And this is where the problems started.
I am not a shy woman, like I am not super outgoing either but I can manage pretty alright in social situations. I have worked hard to be able to do that after all. Now, since it would be far too awkward to introduce myself I sort of gave up on ever talking to him and I was fine with that! It was a nice little crush, just some butterflies fluttering around and that was all I wanted really, and also all I needed from this. For some reason, I started to get a bit too cocky about all this. I had noticed that he used to check me out a bit when we were out at the same clubs and shows so clearly I thought, well he is probably interested as well. My friends who know him had told him he was shy also, which kind of explained why we had not talked even more, at least in my head. So, one night, drunk me told my best friend that I wanted to stop just looking and do some talking, and that my friends, was the beginning of the end.
It was a couple of days before Christmas. Pubs take advantage of the fact that a lot of people return for Christmas so they do free events so more costumers will be attracted to their bar. I live in a very cold town, we have a lot of bars and pubs so competition can be rough! Either way, I was at one of those events as one of my friends runs up to me and says "Vanessa! Guess who is here!" and sure enough, further into the room he was. The one I had never spoken to. I'm starting to believe we are not meant to ever speak. It was crowded, we had to sort of walk in a line to get anywhere and I see my best friend a couple of meters away, talking to my crush. She is waving at me to come join her but... Well, it was very crowded and I suddenly started to feel sooo shy. Like I was a chubby ten-year-old again. When I walked past him I simply avoided eye contact and looked down at the floor. Yes ladies, I know, feel free to boo.
It was very clear that I was a coward, my friends were kind enough to tell me and I agreed fully. I just could not find a way for me to talk to him, so, as I felt like a ten year old I decided to deploy the tactics of one. I asked one of my friends, let's call him Papi since that is what I call him sometimes when I have been drinking, if he could just go talk to my crush instead and tell him that I thought he was hot. He agreed and I started to calm down a bit. This was a much better solution than any other I thought, until Papi suddenly asked if he should do it now since my crush was apparently standing just a few meters away. I froze but gave him my blessing. Thankfully, Papi and the crush knew each other rather well so I did not think I had anything to worry about. Had I not been blushing so much I had to look away I would have seen the facial expression of my best friend that changed to confusion, to annoyance to disbelief. Papi returned, told me the deed was done and that he also had good news. He did not tell me the bad news as he did not see the bad news as such. Let's start with the good news! My crush seemed rather fine and well, excited about hearing about that someone found him hot and he said he would try to speak with me. Well, the bad news was that Papa did not only tell him that I found my crush attractive, he also added that I had told him to tell him that. The latter, was the bad news as it made me sound like a legit ten-year-old.
Shortly after, I came back from smoking, the whole ordeal had caused me to panic a bit so I needed to stand outside in the freezing cold only the north can provide for a while. As I came back, my crush sort of walked by but it kind of happened when I was hidden by my friends. I am a very short lass, and even so, see when I said that we are probably not meant to talk? This is another scenario where it just doesn't happen because of one small thing. Papi had more news, however, my crush had talked to him again and said that he would try to get drunk enough to dare to speak to me. See, I am not the only shy one and what makes this whole thing even more ridiculous as that we both know we want to talk to each other, so we would have zero reason not to just walk up and say hi. So why the fuck can't we? Well, in my case it is because, in my head, we can't. It is some kind of mental blockage, an invisible wall, the only thing in life that is not possible and I still do not know why. We did not speak that night. I did however send him a friend request on Facebook, which he did not accept.
I wish the story would end now, but there was one final night of middle schoolery. One that happened just mere two days ago, and one that still makes me want to hide under my covers and just remain there for the rest of my days.
I was going out with my best friend, we can call her Mister Baby since that is who she really is, and Papi was coming along as well. We had a hunch my crush would be there and that was one of the reasons I really wanted to go out this evening. Mister Baby had given me an amazing jumpsuit that gave me killer curves and holy moly, my tits looked great. If you are a bit chubby like I am, get a good jumpsuit! You will never regret that but this story is not about my fabulous jumpsuit even if it should be.
So there I was, hair perfectly curly, make-up on point, jumpsuit properly zipped up (thank Mister Baby for that, my arms are short) and there he was too. And I did not even dare to look at him! Like, if I was ever going to talk to a guy, this was that time. But nope, not Vanessa. I went to the bar to wait for Mister Baby to order up and... He and his friends came too. I hid behind another friend, who started talking to his friend. And I still didn't take this opportunity to say anything, it would have been so normal! It was honestly more socially awkward to just stand there and hide. I made it out of that situation alive, the evening went on and the crush walked by a couple of times, one of those times, according to a friend, he tried as hard as me to avoid eye contact. Yikes.
Yes I know, I should get to the point. These things always end up too long, I'm sorry but I get sidetracked! Anyway, was about to head home as I see Mister Baby chatting with my crush and as quickly as I could I sort of glued myself to another friend to stay safe so Mister Baby couldn't wave for me as a sign of "Now, get your pretty ass here and finally get this talking over with you moron!" Even if my strategy of gluing myself to a friend worked rather well, it did not save me from Papi. Oh dear... He really wanted to help me and did an effort in wingmanning once more, only that it sort of did not work for me. He told me he had told my crush there was someone who wanted to talk to him and that he should wait a little. I froze. This just made something well, talking should be easy, not a thing. He had just created a thing, that on top of the previous thing (hello, my friend is ten and is too scared to talk to you she thinks you look pretty nice ok) made this thing even more serious. So, I, well no words could come out and my brain was thinking in circles, like several circles at once. So I did the most logical thing ever and ran to the bathrooms. And locked myself in to breathe while trying to think. It did not work. No situation I could come up with would make it possible for me to just walk up now. Nothing. So, I remained inside my squared space of safety for several minutes before I managed to go out. Papi was, very annoyed and so was I, for a different reason. After that I just... Left.
I met up with Mister Baby at her place before my bus was leaving, we usually do that since she lives pretty close to well... Everything. She was as pissed as I was, even if Papi meant well he had now created a situation where it would be impossible for me to ever look good in my crush's eyes ever. I went from a shy woman who might be ten, to a 100% ten-year-old who runs and hides in restrooms. I had become a -thing- and you do not want that to happen with someone who has never even said hello to you. I just really want to apologise to this guy for well, everything. For putting him in these weird situations, for having to wait for someone who never came. Fuck, it is so stupid. And I cant ask Papi to say anything to him since that will only make this worse and I can't ask Mister Baby either. I can't contact him since we are not friends on social media and I have no idea when we are ever even going to be at the same place again (I, for one, plan to never leave my room anyway so).
My love life 2017 was, to put it mildly, shit. I will write about that some day but the crush was the only thing that was still pure and untouched. Now that is forever tainted and I miss just having someone that just gives me butterflies, that might like me or might not, it doesn't matter. The crush was just a might, never a good, never a bad. So please, learn from this fellow steemians, if you have a nice little crush, don't turn into a ten-year-old.
Here is a song I found a while ago that sort of explains everything I felt about my crush, before everything turned into well, this! Thanks for reading.