I don’t know about you, but I didn’t get into a relationship that to begin with was passionated, fun, exciting, alive and a lot of the time made me think “this is out of this world” because it was so magic, to later watch it fade away, get boring and make me feel miserable.
However, that is exactly what happened.
When I met Mat I had VERY strong opinions about people who fell in love (weak) and got into relationships (just scared to be alone). These beliefs lived on strong for years after we met and I cursed myself for being “just like everyone else”.
Falling in love for me had been... humiliating. I was not a fan. However, it had also been the most amazing time of my life. As soon as we spent time together the rest of the world seemed to disappear. I remember thinking that it was like “we are in our own secret world”. Yes, that’s how disney girly the whole thing had made me.
“It will change when you move in together” people told me which I didn’t believe for a second. I thought because none of us had been interested in a relationship to begin with, we would obviously NOT DO what everybody else was doing. It was crystal clear and really simple, just keep it magic. Three and a half years after we met I moved back to Scandinavia and we moved in together. And then reality hit. And it hit hard!
Almost immediately after we moved in together I started thinking about how to escape. It was not that I didn’t love him anymore, but this kind of everyday life was SO NOT what I had signed up for. This was the EXACT reason why I had planned to be single for the rest of my life since I was thirteen - plotting, planning and dreaming of an amazing life on my own. I couldn’t believe how exceptionally stupid I had been. “ALWAYS STICK TO THE PLAN YOU MANIAC” I told myself.
I felt like Mat’s physical body was there, but that he was constantly somewhere else – on his phone, on the computer or just in his own head. I had my own issues with severely bad communication skills (as in won’t say what I feel, mean, like, dislike…I’ve been known for not even responding to people when they address me).
I knew exactly what I wanted but didn’t want to “ask for more”. I didn’t want to be the nagging girlfriend who’s never satisfied. The thing was that when it was good, it was still AWESOME between us. And then it would go back to my living nightmare of nothingness again. For about a year it was 50% awesome, 50% nightmare. Call me greedy but I am not here for anything else than constantly striving for 100% awesome.
The funny thing is, as this was going on Mat was having a great time (wait, what? men are not mind-readers?). When we went to bed after a day with barely speaking to each other he could say “Thank you for today babe, it’s been so good, I love you more than anything in the world”. Me? I would think that he had gone absolutely nuts and cry myself to sleep. The irony!
After a year (A YEAR!) it got to the point where I was just done. I couldn’t continue living the exact kind of life that I’d always been terrified to end up in. I couldn’t stand who I had become in the process, I couldn’t stand that “this was it”, I couldn’t stand the pain of looking back at who we once were and not recognize either one of us. So…I started communicating. (We’ll cover this story another time).
AND MAN HAS THINGS TURNED AROUND SINCE THEN! As I wrote earlier, it’s crystal clear and really simple. DON’T DO what everybody else is doing. It’s possible to keep a relationship vibrating with aliveness. Just one little heads up: make sure your partner has been informed that it’s important to you. YES, USE WORDS.
So here it comes, the five-point-formula that ditches drifting apart and help you to keep falling in love every day.
1. ASK FOR MORE AND DO NOT EVER SETTLE FOR AVERAGE
Crucial step one - stop settling. If you are unhappy in your relationship, it's YOUR responsibility to take action. Ask YOURSELF for more. It’s not bossing people around, it’s not being greedy, nagging or negative. It’s about looking out for yourself, making sure you are living the kind of life you want to live. Are you in your dream relationship? If not, ask yourself why.
You are not here to feel “okay” and have a relationship that “you know… goes up and down”. You are here to feel fantastic and have an awesome, loving and alive relationship. What can YOU do, right now, to get you closer to that dream relationship? If you are afraid to expect more for yourself in case you get disappointed, you are doing it wrong. Expect your relationship to get better every day and that’s what you will get. Assume your relationship will cool down, that the best is behind you, that “this is it” and that’s exactly what you’ll set yourself up for.
2. MAKE TIME TO BE FULLY PRESENT AND CONNECT
One very primal need we humans have is to feel connected. No, not to Wi-fi this time, to each other. To connect we first need to be fully present, which is not always easy in a world jam-packed with distractions. It’s like we rather spend time looking at other people’s worlds through screens than our own here in reality. Crazy! To keep falling in love every day, make sure you have time together where you are fully present. Shut off the TV, leave your phone in another room. Mat and I always take time to sit down with each other in the morning and in the afternoon. I’m not talking about hours here, take 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes in the afternoon if that’s all you have. The important thing is that you are THERE - look each other in the eyes and share what’s on your mind, not what you had for lunch or last nights episode of Game of Thrones. What are you excited about today? What are you grateful for? Stressed over? An idea you can’t get out of your head? You’ll soon find that you really love and look forward to this time you get together, disconnected from everything else.
3. PLAY
Another huge component to keep falling in love. Think back to when you were a kid and fancied someone. What did you do? Teased, chased or just tried to be a little bit extra in that person’s space? Whatever age we are when we fall in love, I believe we get more open minded and playful. We do silly stuff to get that person’s attention, we surprise, we tease and everything’s interesting, fun and exciting. Go back to that state! I am not talking about big gestures and extraordinary surprises. We simply need more day-to-day playfulness in our relationships. When we play, joke around, make fun of ourselves or each other and just act completely ridiculous together we strengthen the bond we have, coming back to point 2, connection. It all comes down to what energy you are showing up with. Are you giving energy to your partner or taking energy? Playfulness can be as easy as showing extreme excitement, jumping up and down when your partner comes home from work. It can be sending a funny text in the middle of the day. It can be singing and dancing in the car while you are driving somewhere. Don't take things so seriously. Keep your curiosity alive and be creative. Dare to let go and go crazy instead!
4. SHOW APPRECIATION AND LIFT YOUR PARTNER UP
Simple, but maybe hard to remember sometimes. After a while, it’s not that extraordinary to have your partner around anymore. It becomes default and you don’t think twice about it. To stop it from becoming “not that special”, show appreciation for your partner daily. Let him know how happy you are to have him around. Again, it’s not about the big things. It’s about the details that makes up the bigger picture. The words “Thank you” often go a long way. Thank you for grocery shopping, carrying my bag, booking our flights, letting me know, cooking, listening, taking out the trash. Thank you for being so awesome and thank you for making me feel so loved. There’s probably endless things you have to be grateful for to your partner and saying it out loud really creates a positive circle. Don’t hold back on letting the person you love know it. The more you express your love, the more you'll feel in love.
5. SEX & PHYSICAL INTIMACY
When we first meet our partner, the sex generally goes from good to great to FREAKING MIND-BLOWING to..routine. However, this is not how it has to unfold and DEFINITELY NOT how we want it to be. As I am sure you’ve heard before, sex is scientifically proven to be really good for us. Among a lot of other things sex releases the “love hormone” oxytocin in the brain which makes us feel more bonded and connected to each other (back to point 2 again!). Oxytocin increases feelings of trust, relaxation and empathy as well as lower stress levels and anxiety. Alright, enough doctoring and showing off from my side.
However, the oxytocin-levels are often shown to be higher in new couples, I wonder why…
When our sex life hits routine, I believe a lot of people feel like a part of the relationship has died. And it has! So let’s go back to point 3 again – PLAY . Be creative, stay curious! Don’t continue with the same damn old sex. Turn your open mind back on. Often when our sex drive is low, it’s the mind that comes up with excuses or simply say “I don’t feel like it”, not the body. The body is usually much more open to sex, even when the mind is saying “I can’t be bothered”. Why not just get undressed, sit and look each other in the eyes, kiss, cuddle and see if your mind changes. Don’t put any pressure on what has to happen next. Just give it a try, if cuddling is all it gets to tonight, you’ve still bonded more than if the night would start and end by the TV.
Bottom line - we are not going back to when we first fell in love. Never aim backwards. We are moving forward, with a firm belief that our relationship can grow even stronger, more passionated, fun and loving. We simply keep doing what we did in the beginning in new ways : we prioritize quality time together, play, explore and stay curios, we appreciate each other, lift each other up and let our partner know how extremely freaking much they mean to us, and then, we get down and dirty. Just kidding, well... not really.