How do I begin to describe what it’s like to be around you? How am I meant to even try and capture the brief moments we’ve shared and think I’ll do them any justice? How do I even begin to say what it’s like to be more at ease with someone else than you are with yourself?
I think meeting someone who is so similar to you in all the important ways is something that doesn’t happen all that often. Maybe that’s why we’ve never had an awkward faze and our friendship never soured. When let’s be honest it really could have.
I don’t know if I’ve ever know what it’s like to be one hundred percent honest about even the most private things, but you make it so easy because you are.
I think if our friendship was a recipe it would be equal parts sarcasm, flirting and just being straight up asshholes. Each part as equally important as the other. The whole dynamic falling away when you lose one part.
To have that person who you don’t speak for months but feels like you saw them an hour before when you do.
I don’t know what it is about you. Maybe it’s the flirty comments, or when you say something flattering, your honesty about everything else makes me believe it. I don’t know if it’s the way you smile like a kid who’s just seen chocolate for the first time, or maybe it’s because everything is an adventure. From grocery shopping, to riding the tube, travelling the world and everything in between.
To say that I’d be against something more would be a lie that I’m not willing to tell. I also don’t understand why when we stopped hooking up the first time it didn’t make me angry. I lie, it doesn’t confuse me. It’s because you were honest, like no one else I know is.
I guess what I want to say you to you is that I want it. I want nights filled with banter, kissing and laughter. I want conversations about things I’d never think you’d know about. I want the early morning sunrises in bali filled with yoga. And I know I’d get nothing less if that’s what you chose.
Maybe I want all of this with you because I know that whatever happens you’ll never set out to hurt me, and maybe that’s why it didn’t hurt when you chose someone else, and maybe that’s why I’m hesitant to chase. Because why chase if no one’s going to choose you?
There’s such a big part of me that thinks I would be able to do the whole, together when we’re together, and free when we’re apart. Because I feel like there’s a part of me that would know a part of you was mine.
I feel like in you I see everything I want to be but I’m not brave enough for yet.
What I want more than anything is for you to want me. Which I know you do on some level. But is that enough?
If I chase you am I losing my self respect or being honest? Is there a happy medium in between that I could find? Because if there is, I wish I could find it.
Maybe I’ll tell you one day, maybe when you’re a little less broken over the girl who wasn’t worth it. Maybe you’ll figure it out. And maybe I’ll be too late and some girl would’ve swooped in and filled your heart with love and pasta.
And I know that if that happens I’ll be okay, because I’ll know that you’re being loved.