Whenever I hear people talk about trust, my ears perk up.
I'm always interested to see other people's views on the topic. Trust is a most vulnerable subject. And many people equate vulnerability to weakness. I have had some experiences that burned the opposite lesson in my heart. And damn am I grateful for that.
Many people seem to play a dangerous game of "keep away" with their trust. I see them wear this distrust like a badge of pride:
"He hurt me so bad that I'll never trust anyone again."
"She doesn't deserve my trust."
"I'll never fall for that again."
We say these statements to reaffirm to ourselves that we're strong. Tough. That we've "learned a lesson."
What was the lesson, though?
A little of my (super vulnerable alert!) backstory: I was in love with a man that had a sorted past. I knew it, and I kept him at a distance for years. After 5 years together, he really had changed a lot of his undesirable behaviors. We got married. It was awesome. We had huge problems; dealt with them. We had amazing adventures; took lots of pictures. We developed the type of love and respect that they write screenplays about. Then he retired from the military. Anyone who has been any part of the military knows that this is a make it or break it time for a lot of veterans. He lost who he was. He attempted to find it - in bottles of cheap vodka, in drugs, and then in a 21 year old girl that thought the world of him and his undeniable charm. I wasn't surprised. And while we didn't have a completely monogamous relationship, the betrayal and dishonesty were very real.
I moved out. I was completely devastated, although neither of us wanted to give up. We loved each other. It was at this point, I realized I had 3 choices:
1. Divorce. Cut away and move on, even though it wasn't what I wanted. All of my upbringing taught me that this is the "right" choice- I was betrayed! Trust is gone!
2. Get back together, and hold on to all of this anger, fear, resentment, and use it to burn a hole of righteousness through him with every look. How could I ever trust him again?
3. Get back together, and make the conscious decision to let go of all of the above emotions. If I held on to these damaging emotions, I knew it would only hurt me. And him. And ultimately the relationship would end anyway.
So we got back together. Choosing option 3 was THE MOST difficult decision to live up to, because my integrity begs that I actually follow through with it! It also ended up being the most EMPOWERING decision I've ever made. That next year was blissful (and incredibly difficult, at times). The combination of him really doing his best to put those behaviors behind him, and me doing my damnedest to be gentle with my sometimes swelling emotions made us an incredibly strong force.
By choosing option 3, I had to make the conscious decision to trust this person with my most vulnerable of emotional organs....my heart.
Trust is not an external power that sways emotions. It is a tool. And a tool is only effective if you use it correctly. I urge you to use trust to learn lessons to make your life better, not to build walls around your heart. Give trust and you will earn trust. Give trust and learn what you're capable of.
Love,
OGC
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