We all have our moments with the one whom we love the most, where they do something, or things, that REALLY annoy us. Sometimes it’s saying something at a less opportune time, other times it’s just their attitude that day, sometimes your energy and theirs is just not compatible at various moments, but we know that even if it’s lovey-dovey all the time, lovey-dovey includes annoyances too.
The other day, I was taking a walk with my husband and we always say to each other “You’re my love, you’re my one and only love.” Well, he had just annoyed me previously, so I wanted to make a joke and say “you’re my one and only annoying love.” Well, my brain combined the two phrases and it came out “I love you so much. You’re my one annoying love.” We giggled, and he replied “So are you.” I narrowed my eyes as a joke and we looked at each other in a way that said “I’m watching you.” And then giggled some more.
I think it’s important to express annoyance when you feel it and here’s why. Until very recently, I felt guilty for feelings that led me to express my needs more prominently. This is caused by the brainwashing and mind control that was done to me by the man who abused me. I learnt to suppress any emotion of frustration, annoyance, anger, or disappointment, because if I did, I would be psychologically and emotionally punished.
For a long time, in many relationships following the abuse, even all the way into my marriage, if I felt annoyed, disappointed, frustrated, or angry --- which happens and is NORMAL, especially when you live with someone --- I felt not allowed to express it, even if I WAS allowed.
My husband has never made me feel not allowed and always reminds me at how he respects my expression of the self. But what happened internally was the brain imbalance, the wires connecting with the wrong connectors, and so when I felt annoyed, I would then feel not allowed, then guilty, then bad, then as though I need to be punished, then angry and defiant, and then rage would settle in. That was why it was so difficult for me every time I felt annoyed. Simple annoyance was NOT simple. It took a lot of practice to fight those feelings of not being allowed, and it was difficult to actually express myself. And at first I felt really guilty to express it. Everyone else expresses it, I’m allowed too! The more I did it, the better it felt. Sometimes (depending where I am in my cycle) I still fall into old patterns, however, more often than not now, I feel the annoyance, and express it. EXPRESS NOT SUPPRESS! And it feels good. I express it RIGHT AWAY and my husband recognises his part and apologises, or expresses his annoyance and we have a bit of a back and forth, and are both liberated. When I express it right away I DON’T fall into those old patterns. If I wait, I risk falling into those old patterns.
And I mean, just the other day, husband did something I didn’t appreciate, I told him. I was not in the wrong for expressing it, and then we hugged it out. It was nothing serious, nothing detrimental to our relationship, but I had to express it so that he knows my specific need in regard to that particular situation, otherwise he won’t know what I need. And I had to express it so that I could feel good, and keep feeling good, and by acknowledging these feelings, we BOTH can feel good, and BOTH feel good about each other and our needs and get whatever bugged us off our chest so that we’re not bothered by it anymore.
I love my husband, annoyances and all, and I know that he loves me, annoyances and all. Sometimes our wires get crossed and we express ourselves a bit less sensitively, and we can argue or feel bad initially, but we also know that on the long term, we feel better, because we don’t hold back, we express what we need to right away. We express our annoyances, and our annoyances of each other’s annoyances of the other. We our our one and only loves, our one annoying loves, and we love each other for it.
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