I have been expressing my grief over some changes me and my husband has been into lately through my blogs and I have come up to this realization that I’d rather want this difficult than easy with somebody else. I appreciate the people who extended their support through the comments from my previous blogs sharing to me how they managed to keep their relationship going for years already. And so today, it’s currently 1432H here in Philippines and my 3-month old daughter is asleep while I write this blogpost. This post wouldn’t probably reach him as I am not sharing this on my Facebook account but I’ll just leave it here in my little corner of the blockchain to forever remind myself (the future me, hello there) that despite the hardships I am still willing to keep the promise we vowed for each other. That even if all the butterflies in the tummy had long disappeared and all cheesiness had settled away, true love remains.
I have posted a few blogs about us before and I just loved it. My language of love has always been with words and touch. Now that we rarely communicate and that distance had set us apart, it’s just so hard for me to feel like myself. I have always been the kind of lover that always bugs my partner. The one who wakes him with long tight hugs and lots of kisses. The one who loves to brew him his coffee and prepares a toast. The one who expresses love in a more obvious manner.
While my husband, is my complete opposite version. He rarely talks about his feelings. He’s the kind of lover that you need to see and appreciate his grand little gestures of love and support. The kind of partner who does laundry when my back aches for another tough night dealing with a baby. The partner who brings you a glass of water after you’ve expressed your anxieties and fear. He is my man, the love of my life.
A month ago, he went back to Cebu while I and our beautiful daughter are staying here in Bohol. I have never been away from him this long and I admit I’m overthinking things a lot lately. It had soured our relationship and I don’t exactly know where to start fixing it. I just remained present, living at the moment. I kept myself busy with household chores, a little bit of workout to burn my postpartum fats, and a few blogs here and there. I have shrugged off any possible reason for my anxiety attacks because I really want to save this marriage. I easily get hurt and disappointed. I have this such soft heart that I will burst into tears if you yell at me. My husband never said “Iloveyou” or “Iloveyoutoo” for so long and I quite missed that. I know I have mentioned he is not fond with wordy expression of love but I can’t help but feel empty. And I always wonder whether he still loves me or not. I always find myself crying silently at night and which actually I am while typing this blog. My heart is just aching with so much changes happening around us.
I guess now I can say that I have truly understood what true love is. It’s when nothing in your philosophy can make you stay but you’re still staying. Every relationship has its ups and downs and no one can actually help you mend what’s been broken but the two of you. I usually takes up the role of being the listener and I give out love advice from time to time (which almost every time applies to myself too) but here I am finally accepting the fact that I am in dire need of understanding. I kind of low-key hope that my husband would find this blog and finally realizes that his wife is struggling too. He’s not so easy to love but I wouldn’t want it the other way either.
So here’s me and my husband on Facebook. I’m pretty much living a fake private life because apparently I am here leaving a forever mark on the blockchain. Hahaha! Silly me! Facebook is just too much for me and so I kept it that way. I also kind of want to make new friends from here so yeah I’m dropping my account for you to find me. I would appreciate to have friends whom I share the same passion with. Then here’s our Facebook page, Click PIT. In my previous blogs, I have stated that photography is what mainly have bound us. And so I am asking you a tinie-tiny favor. If you can drop by to our Facebook page, can you please show some love and hit the like button? Pretty please? He loves his work so much and I would do anything to support him and help him grow his network. And here’s his latest video which he’s super proud of. He just started doing videos and I want him to know that he is well appreciated. I just want to make him happy. If he’s happy, I’m happy too.
I know this is just the beginning of the life ahead of us and I feel embarrassed that at this point I’m already feeling anxious. I’m just scared. I love him so much that I’m not sure I will be ever ready to loose him. But if ever, may God forbid, he’s going to slip away, I will let him. Maybe that’s just how it is. Love them even if it hurts. Understand them even if it’s almost impossible. Hold them but never not allow them to let go. Love just don’t work like the fairytales. Sometimes love is letting go and still rooting for their success no matter what.
That’s it. It’s already 1455H and my eyelids are shutting down. Thank you for taking time reading my confession. And I hope you drop by the links I provided. Good night (good morning) folks.
This has been 
saying, "Do not hold onto someone. Because the more you do, the more they want to slip away. Just love them and let them know that you’re not slipping away." Yes, that line’s from Marco from Kissing Booth 2
Nikka Ganzan Paraguya Mededa, the author
I was destined to be a successful civil engineer but my heart belongs to literature. And if I have learnt something from the past years of struggles, it is maybe this - "Sometimes a leap of faith is what you need in order to find happiness. Because if you are not to become a happy person, then what's the purpose of life then?".
I tried working in an industry with the use of my maximum skills in my chosen field and I was earning big (bigger than what I expected), yet I was not happy. In between those times, I found deeper and stronger interest in my first and second love - writing and photography.
And so here I am, in my little corner in the blockchain. I hope you had a good read and check out more here --->