I feel like a knife is puncturing the softest part of my heart and I'm bleeding profusely. (Dramatic? Perhaps but it's my experience) My heart pounds, I feel dizzy, I hurt in every part of my body. I crave safety and my reaction is to fight back or run...... Most often its to run and hide.
What I'm currently working on is rather than covering up my pain by hurting back (anger) or running I'm allowing myself to be still and communicate with my partner how I feel. I stand back, observe, and articulate to him or on paper how I am feeling through the process.
Is it anger I feel or is it pain? Anger gives a false sense of power, pain can feel weak. I'm learning to flow through the anger quickly and allow myself to go to the centre of the pain.
My intention this year is to remain centred and calm in the midst of the emotional storm. (For me anxiety and rejection are massive pain triggers) Now this doesn't mean I'm trying not to feel, or to feel less or anything of that sort. What it means for me is to feel it all in its glorious intensity with the mindset and vision that the storm will pass and I will figure it out. I will get through it and walk out the other side wiser and more aware of what I'm truly capable of.
In the midst of my pain and desire to run away, be safe, hide, lick my wounds I've made the choice to face my fears. My fear being my heart may break, my fear being I might not be 'the one', my fear being I will love this man so hard and in the end he won't love me the way I love him. The fear being I will end up alone because at the end of it all I'm just too much for any man to handle.
The interesting thing is in the midst of that fear I continue to find my centre and my truth. The truth is I will be ok. I have tapped into a new truth, a new consciousness, a new awareness and a new calm. I alone am enough and if my heart breaks I can manage. My heart will heal and it will learn to beat again. I'm not too much for 'me' anymore. I can handle myself at my worst and I accept who I am even when I'm weeping into my pillow unable to make sense of it in that moment.
I can love from a pure place of completeness and without attachment. I can be hurt deeply and it doesn't kill me or change the depth of my love for this man. I can feel the hurt and not cover it with anger. I can be in the midst of the storm and I can keep my calm.
My life continues to change and I continue to grow each and everytime I allow myself to feel, face the fear and stand in the midst of the storm.
I may be the most sensitive women I know but I'm also becoming strong and centred. My sensitivity has become my greatest teacher.
