How much suffering do we experience by the notion that there is someone out there destined for us!
Is this belief really true?
The gist of this article is that I argue that in the west there is a pattern of magical thinking around relationships that is quite infantile and that leads to much of the suffering we experience. I would say that the belief that there is a destined partner for one is most likely a product of our Western Mythology around the Knight in Shining Armour and the Kings Exclusive and Virgin Princess stories that enthral and most certainly condition us to some extent growing up. In these fantasies the man must go on a quest to win that love from this One Special Person that will lead to true love.
Really? Is not everyone special? What if this idea of The One is immature and that the reality is: people in society go through the treadmill to find someone as fitting as possible - and there is very rarely no virgin possibility but that we all equally easy and go through multiple partners till we naturally by the law of averages come to find someone good or at least is possible to live with. Can you see how polar these realities are, that have been perpetuated in our society.
This Special Destined Knight or Princess belief has caused us much suffering through its naivety.
Love is all around us from many people.
I would argue that compatible love is not some destiny between two people but rather a process of going through partners to find that person most compatabile-i.e., soul mates.
But can you see the term Soul Mate gives the impression of a destiny. What does the Soul-Mate belief do to our responsibility in relationships? I would say it takes away our responsibility, just like some religious beliefs assert that everything is taken care of by god or the devil made me do it!
I am not saying there aren’t very special and “magical” connections and relationships-but these I would argue are not because of a destiny but perhaps the level of work we do on ourselves that we reflect to others, that then attracts the same type of person who is also in that “karmic” (causal field of possibility).
What if we were taught early in our lives that we are supposed to go through a number of relationships and their heartbreaks knowing full well it’s a process of screening and selection and that no relationship is certain?
What if it's not some magical destiny to meet the special connection we yearn for-where we will stumble on a full moon and see our Love of Loves, but rather to find that Love of Loves (as close to what is possibly a good match) requires mindful questioning early in a relationship of: past relationships and any trauma they have experienced, the meaning of relationship and love to that other person, their values and goals, and taking these factors into account before having sex with that person and opening our hearts forming a heart to heart bond, that if done with a damaged/unready soul will hurt us sometimes for many years if not a whole chunk of our lives!
If we were taught those skills so many people would be spared prolonged suffering.
In terms of emotional intelligence and what I would call relationship intelligence, it appears we are stifled in the west, and we would likely benefit by accepting that nothing is permanent and that good relationships last only So Long As….(we respect each other or remain true to ourselves and what our relationship is based on) as compared to the “I will Always Love You”- The Dream of someone destined who will make us completely happy..The Dream that secretly pains our souls with its false promise of an unchanging reality of Life and Love.
The best we can do is to practice mindful discernment of who we become involved with intimately (before sleeping with them), savour the love we experience with them and try nurture those good relationships, for as long as is possible, but not expecting Forever After Endings that predictably leads to brocken hearts and people.